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Stop judging – parenting isn’t a competitive sport

The pressure to "succeed" as a first-time parent is immense. Photo: Getty

The pressure to "succeed" as a first-time parent is immense. Photo: Getty

Women are used to criticism, but when we enter parenthood it seems we sign away our rights to agency and privacy.

Friends and family – and millions of strangers on the Internet – pop up to tell us what is ‘best for the child’.

Social media’s call-out culture has only increased this climate of judgment.

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Having your first baby often prompts people to offer you (unwanted) advice. Photo: Getty

Having your first baby often prompts people to offer you (unwanted) advice. Photo: Getty

The internet is awash with commentary, usually backed up by a stream of toxic comments, policing date nights and fuelling anxiety about breastfeeding in cafes or getting on a plane with noisy children.

Everyone seems to feel entitled to throw in their two cents. Society turns motherhood into a narrow, isolated place.

For me it started when, pregnant with my first child, I took a bite from a piece of cold pizza following a work function.

A work friend shot me a look of mock horror and said, “You obviously don’t care too much about your baby”.

I doubt my colleague realised the impact of her words, but they initiated me into a new and unwelcome world of running commentary from other people about my personal choices. And it didn’t stop there.

My child – who, by the way, doesn’t appear to have suffered any ill effects from my selfish refusal to nuke that pizza – wasn’t a great sleeper, and in the early days I felt overwhelmed by anxiety.

The pressure to "succeed" as a first-time parent is immense. Photo: Getty

The pressure to “succeed” as a first-time parent is immense. Photo: Getty

In this sleep-deprived and vulnerable state, and keen to come to grips with this strange new job for which I had no previous experience, I sought answers from experts, books, family and friends.

I turned to online mothers’ forums. The sheer volume of opinion and conflicting advice I encountered was staggering.

And most of it was delivered in a tone that suggested I could ruin his life if I made the wrong choice.

My friend Emily, whose children were born eight years apart, has a rare insight into the evolution of this online blame and judgment.

“When my son was born, there was virtually no organised online presence,” she says.

“We were all still reading books back then, not trawling the net.”

By the time her daughter came along, she says, she was encountering thousands of online answers, but little support.

“You go online thinking ‘these are mothers, they will be supportive’, but they turn on you the minute your approach deviates from theirs.”

And the internet offers many opportunities for self-criticism, even before the Twitter trolls pounce.

“It’s like, read these seventy-page parenting texts and find out how you’re scarring them for life − all conveniently available online 24/7,” says Emily.

“With my son I relied on close family and friends more, which meant less information – but I think fewer options left me freer to identify my own best way.”

The internet is a wealth of information – and criticism. Photo: Getty

The internet is a wealth of information – and criticism. Photo: Getty

“It doesn’t take too many ‘well intentioned’ comments to undermine our sense of confidence and competence as new mums,” says clinical psychologist Ariadne Lack.

“Social media, while a wonderful way to share our lives and little ones with our loved ones, can be used as evidence of not being a good enough mum, as we compare everything from our children’s diets and words to their crawling and walking milestones.”

The professional advice is to try not to take too much on.

“Let people know when you catch up with them, ‘I don’t need oodles of advice today, I just need you to listen’,” Ariadne says.

“And when you find you are being highly critical of yourself, stop for a moment and do something kind for yourself and notice the difference.”

Ariadne also suggests talking it over with trusted friends, or a psychologist, if you’re feeling the pressure – and switching off the social media noise if it’s getting you down.

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