Life Relationships Ruining your life/career at the Christmas party
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Ruining your life/career at the Christmas party

The Office Christmas party
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It’s the occasion where promotions are secured, friendships are taken to the next level and office romances are revealed.

The annual work Christmas party is an Australian tradition and one of the few times you can cut loose with your colleagues – not a water cooler in sight.

Of course, you could seize the networking opportunity and climb your way to the top using your wit, charm and devastatingly stylish evening wear.

Or, you could go down in flames. Spectacularly.

Here’s how:

1. Share your most controversial views

People love a raging moral debate on their night off so don’t deprive them of it. If you’re racist, sexist, ageist, prejudiced, bigoted, anti-Beyonce or pro-Bieber, it’s time to make it known.

Ply your colleagues with alcohol and throw a curveball at them. If they don’t bite, insult their mother and try again.

Some suggestions: “I think Pauline Hanson had a point!” “Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive – thoughts?” or, for the fainthearted, “That royal baby is just plain ugly”.

2. Hit on everyone

Married? Single? Straight? Gay? Man? Woman? Office dog? Don’t discriminate – it’s only fair to show everyone some unwanted attention.

For maximum impact, ensure all of your cheesy pickup lines and inappropriate compliments take place in front of your human resources manager so they can see how much love you have to give.

3. Admit to plagiarism

Theft – what a beautiful thing! Even better if it involves intellectual property and you’re stealing it from one of your hardworking, kindhearted colleagues.

If revealed with a touch of humor and a complete lack of guilt, people find plagiarism charming.

For example, sidle up to your boss and whisper, “Hey, you know that report that got me promoted? Stole it from little old Jenny over there. Classic me, right?!”

You’ll probably make CEO within the year. 

4. Take your clothes off

You’re sexy and you know it. Your colleagues should know it too.

Any item of clothing will work as long as you ensure you remove it slowly and in a very crowded area before draping it gently over your boss’s head. They will appreciate the special attention.

5. Accuse all female employees of being pregnant

Everyone loves being told they look pregnant, especially if they’re not. If a female colleague skips the cocktails, point at them, shriek and dramatically declare, “I KNEW IT!”

If they’re not pregnant, they will be humiliated. If they are, they will appreciate you ruining this special, private moment for them in front of their entire office. 

6. Steal from your boss

Everyone usually kicks on after the office Christmas party and drinks can get fairly pricey.

You’ve worked under them all year, probably paid for a few of their coffees, so it’s only fair you steal money and/or credit cards from your employer.

Don’t try and hide it – you don’t need to be ashamed – just rifle through their stuff and pocket any valuables.

If they catch you, yell “It’s a Christmas miracle!” and commando roll out of the room. 

7. Stand on a table and demand a pay rise

You know what? You’ve already been working there for an entire month. You look fantastic tonight, you’re obviously well liked and you’ve done at least three hours of total work this year in between smoko breaks. You’ve earned it.

Find an elevated surface (table, chair, co-worker’s shoulders), get up there and make your demands known. Settle for no less than a 50 per cent salary increase.

Announcing, “one mil or I walk!” is a really effective negotiating method. 

8. Bring a date and treat them like dirt

Nothing commands respect like being a terrible person. Enlist an unsuspecting husband, wife, girlfriend, friend or child and bring them along on the false pretense of “bonding” and “casual drinks”.

Proceed to rip them to shreds. 

If they try to speak to your co-workers, tell them to shut up. If they try to eat food, slap it out of their hand. God forbid they should grab a drink, offer to hold it for them then pour it over their head.

Finally, if they try to assert themselves in any way, threaten to put them “back in the basement again”.

9. Put it all on social media

This kind of fun should always be documented.

Before you head out the door to the soiree, set all your social media profiles to public to increase your exposure. Encourage your colleagues to tag you in every photo they take and your boss for that matter!

Don’t let their strict terms of use fool you: LinkedIn loves nude selfies.

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