TEAL MP CLAIMS 27 FLIGHTS TO CANBERRA, FINDS CLIMATE CHANGE NOT SO SCARY IN BUSINESS CLASS

The Teal independents are weighing up tax kickbacks for the wealthy by consulting the struggling battlers of Vaucluse, Toorak, North Sydney and Peppermint Grove.

“So far we’ve received no answers,” said a Teal. “It takes so long for people to reach their front doors.”

A Teal voter said, “It’s not easy being Teal. I’m down to my last Audi convertible.”

The Teals insist they are not in bed with the Greens. “We’d never be caught dead on a Futon!”

PRONOUNS DEMAND THEIR OWN PRONOUN

Thanks to artificial intelligence, grammar is developing its own identity.
Pronouns have demanded they be called “it/that/those”.

A possessive pronoun pronounced, “I am she, he, you, it, we, or they, hear me roar.”

A group of bare infinitives have responded, suggesting pronouns shouldn’t take it so personally.

CONSPIRACY THEORIST PROVES THE MOON IS FLAT

The moon landing was faked by people who didn’t know they could reach the moon using simple physics.

But here’s the kicker – the moon itself is as flat as the Earth.

“The moon never revolves,” said a flinching conspiracist with a high blink rate. “It has no dark side, just a giant flat piece of mortar board so the cheese doesn’t fall off.”

The conspirator conspired, “It is a one-dimensional universe, just like my argument.”

A Flat Earther sighed, “Sometimes I wish the Earth would swallow me up, but that’s scientifically implausible.”

GOVT ANNOUNCES EMPEROR’S NEW POLICIES

The small-target Albanese government has issued a New Policies fact sheet.

The fact sheet says ‘See other side’ on both sides.

A reporter from The Australian is turning it over and over until he finds something Rupert hates.

A writer for The Guardian said she refuses to read anything but The Guardian.

A bold editorial in Crikey said something devastatingly brilliant about something or other.

A Green Left Weekly columnist mumbled about ‘eco-socialism’, but it couldn’t be heard outside the eco-chamber.

Sky Is Falling News tried to read the sheet on their evening broadcast, Sky After The Dark Goes Completely Black.

But the lights were off.

In other news …

• ‘EXPLOSIVE ROYAL BOMBSHELL’ MISTAKEN FOR NEWS
• ALP VOWS TO FINALLY WIPE OUT KOALAS, ‘ANOTHER BROKEN COALITION PROMISE’
• COALITION TO WIN BACK YOUNG VOTERS WITH ‘PUFF DUTTY & DJ LIL PROUD’
• BRITISH ANTI-CRICKET PROTESTERS THROW NUTMEG AT OIL WELL
• PADDLE FOUND AS SEARCH CONTINUES UP S*** CREEK FOR STUART ROBERT
• TEST SUBJECTS SAY MALE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL STILL TOO BIG TO BE INSERTED
• MELBOURNE NAZI AND COMMUNIST REALISE THEY HAVE A LOT IN COMMON