An inner-city mandala-tattooed left-winged dodo has apologised for his unconscious bias against unconscious bias.

The dodo said, “I’m consciously unconsciously anti-racist. Prove I’m not.”

“Everyone is racist, especially Germans,” said a university student who thinks their opinion is in some way relevant.

An Australian who votes ‘No’ to everything said, “I’m not racist but … I’m unconsciously racist.”

Unconscious bias training involves unfocused groups engaging in loud-mouth to loud-mouth resuscitation.

PLANT-BASED ‘MEAT’ GETTING VEGANS HOOKED ON THE TASTE OF FLESH

Fast food outlets are offering plant-based burgers that taste like meat in the hope vegans will switch to the real thing.

“This tastes fantastic,” said a vegan finding the strength to speak. “It tastes exactly like meat which I have sworn against and curse at every opportunity – but yum!”

But a wafer-thin breatharian breathed, “Nutmeat just doesn’t cut the mustard. Even with mustard.”

Vegetable-based burgers include:

• Big Meh
• Kentucky Fried Wiccan
• Unhungry Jacks
• Cheating Parmigiana
• Barelyamundi
• Spicy Crap Bisque
• Teriyucky
• BLT (bland, lousy and tasteless)

Australia could be a world leader in the supply of plant-based meats, but businesses will need support.

SENATORS PREFER JUNK FOOD BAN TO MAKING PARENTS PARENT

Junk food ads may be banned by Independent senators who were elected to push pet projects they weren’t elected for.

The senators insist parents have no time for fast food.

Food ads will be prohibited from 6am to 9.30pm on TV because parents aren’t strong enough to argue anymore.

The crossbenchers assume the media will be fine with the gigantic loss of revenue.

“No, we won’t,” said the media.

“Treating children as adults saves a lot of time,” said an exhausted couple. “We can spend most of our parenting face-time looking at FaceTime.”

An advertising campaign urging parents to get tough with their kids was rejected. “Why argue with the people who’ll eventually choose our aged-care dwelling?”

A fat-shameful junk food salesman who lives in a flotation tank said, “Don’t they realise sugar and fat sell themselves?”

Junk food ads will now be required to feature a warning – DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT OR YOUR CHILDREN WILL GROW UP TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.

In other news…

• STUDY FINDS TEEN SPIRIT HAS NO SMELL
• DUTTON SAYS VOICE IS DIVIDING AUSTRALIA, BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH
• RUTHLESS RUSSIAN MERCENARIES DESERTING UKRAINE REPLACED BY PwC CONSULTANTS
• MELBOURNE BEATS SYDNEY IN LIVEABLE CITIES INDEX, CELEBRATES WITH VEGAN HALF-CAFF LATTE & HEMP MILK
• NESTLÉ TO STOP MAKING FANTALES DESPITE THREATS FROM SCARY DENTISTS LOBBY
• FRANCE TELLS MORRISON “NO HARD FEELINGS” ABOUT SUBS, OFFERS FREE TRIP TO SEE TITANIC