The next President In Absentia of the United States, Donald Trump, has vowed to campaign and rule from jail.

Nothing much will change, he’ll do deals with suspicious companions, make knives out of toothbrushes and mountains out of molehills. And he’ll accept conjugal visitors only.

“Let’s face it,” said a Republican. “He’ll get more sex than he does at home.”

The former president’s lies are catching up with him.

But one of his lies denies catching up with him. It said, “I swear I made myself up.”

Melania is busy baking a cake with a file in it. Unfortunately it’s one of the files that Trump had stolen.

RBA SAYS FINANCIAL ‘MISERY INDEX’ HIGHEST IN 15 YEARS BUT VOWS TO BREAK THAT RECORD

The Misery Index is more buoyant than ever.

Australian whingeing about misery is at levels normally associated with the English.

“It’s not whingeing if we do it together,” said an apathy enthusiast. “Misery is part of our cultural legacy, to be passed on to future generations of little Aussie whingers.”

The RBA shows no signs of stopping the rises. Photo: AAP

To make matters worse, the Woe Quotient is up, so too the Anguish Algorithm, as is the Calamity Column, the Gloom Table, the Rue Ruling and the Hardship Ship.

Motorists are increasingly miserable. With interest rate hikes, many have taken up residence in their cars. This is bad news for owners of convertibles who may end up with no roof over their heads.

“At least we are better than New Zealand,” said an expat New Zealander.

DEEP STATE EXPOSED AS FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

The ‘deep state’ secretly running Australia has been exposed as the federal government. Secretive, machiavellian.

“A ‘deep state’ rules without electoral permission,” said a shadow janitor who was never here.

“The Albanese government’s election strategy was small target, zero policies, no sudden movements or knowledge of the national unemployment rate. So, every law that Labor creates exceeds their mandate to do nothing.”

Car registration plates are now available. Australia – The Deep State.

But Queensland remains and always will be – The Shallow State.

In other news…

• SKY NEWS HOST OFFERS TO BE SHOT BY ROBERTS-SMITH TO PROVE IT’S NO BIG DEAL
• NORTH POLE DANCER FREEZES TO DEATH
• DONALD TRUMP INDICTED, BORIS TRUMP QUITS, SILVIO TRUMP DEAD
• CANCELLED SECOND RUSSIAN EMBASSY BUILT ON TOP OF SECRET THIRD RUSSIAN EMBASSY
• ABC REPLACES ARTS DEPT WITH MORE BLUEY, SPICKS & SPECKS REPEATS
• DRUNK SCIENTIST FINDS ALCOHOL MORE BENEFICIAL THAN EXERCISE