DUTTON COMMITS TO NUCLEAR POWER BY 2075 OR CLIMATE APOCALYPSE

The opposition to oppositionism leader Peter Dutton said: “Any sensible government must consider small modular nuclear as part of the energy mix.”

“Sensible government” is a contradiction in terms, much like “small modular nuclear accident”.

An opposition spokes-opposer said, “It’s so crazy it just might work until it doesn’t.”

BOTOX AND FILLER CREATE A GENERATION OF FLAT-FACED EXPRESSIONLESS FREAKS

Australians are injecting their faces with Botox and filler until they resemble Morticia Addams doing deadpan in a bar fridge.

“I’m thrilled my beauty treatments make me resemble all the other Australians having beauty treatments,” one said.

True beauty is puffy cheeks and bloated lips that express the emotion: “Wait a second, I’m thinking about it.”

Facelifts will now be known as “face elevation” as this alludes to a higher plain. Coincidentally, the cost of a face elevation is consistent with the cost of a hire plane.

The botulized have a look of bloated shock. The same effect is stimulated when they get the bill.

SENSITIVITY READERS EDIT THE BUDGET

The recent budget papers have been redacted by a flock of sensitivity readers between their therapy sessions.

The easily-startled ‘sensitivity enforcers’ emerged from their quotation flotation tank saying, “The budget surplus should have been spent on Delete buttons.”

Hyper-sensitivity readers who identify as an ‘Unidentifiable’ drank hand-sensitiser and read the budget through rose-tinted blindfolds.

One fainted after reading that poor people will be forced to stay warm by Poverty Line-dancing.

“We’d hate to think that young readers would be triggered or even worse, amused,” said a reader. “We must protect them from anything that looks like the real world in case they start thinking their own thoughts. History, in particular, is a thing of the past.”

The word “budget” has been deemed insensitive as it contains the words “bud” and “get”. The word “bud” might be misconstrued as something one might get nipped in, and “get” is often followed by an expletive shouted at sensitivity readers.

Meanwhile, Generation Alfalfa kids are gearing up to burn and bury the sensitivity edits.

And so it goes …

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