To prevent massive data breaches of people’s personal details, the Albanese government will appoint a cyber security co-ordinator just as soon as the wi-fi works.

Home Affairs Minister Clare O’Neil promises to find an IT expert who, when asked for help, won’t roll their eyes and talk to us like we’re idiots.

Anthony Albanese has promised he will fight them on the breaches.

The government is finding it difficult to find a trustworthy cyber security co-ordinator as most of them seem to have gone phishing.

Ms O’Neil said a discussion paper will be fire-walled from hackers using a defunct system called a ‘filing cabinet’.

Hackers will be fought on the breaches. Photo: Shutterstock

SENSITIVITY EXPERTS REWRITING BOND BOOKS LOOK FORWARD TO READING ONE

Violence, alcoholism, gambling addiction, racism, class warfare, patriarchy and sexism are finally being fixed by the sensitive editing of James Bond novels.

An ASIO agent hiding in a vending machine said, “The name Bond has been deleted as it invokes male underpants.”

Meanwhile, Generation Z is erasing everything written by Millennials, which is mostly crying emojis and acceptance speeches for participation awards.

New Bond films are being adapted:

Diamonds are for The 1 Percent

The Person with the Golden Safety-Checked Stunt Weapon

License To Cancel

The Spy Who Triggered Me

AUSSIE BRAGS ABOUT BEING POOR, LIKE THE RICH DO

As the economy teeters, an Aussie bloke boasts that he “started from nothing”.

And after years of following his dreams, he has proudly ended up with “slightly less”.

“I’ve worked hard all my life to get to where I am. It was worth every penny. Both of them.”

As he wandered aimlessly away, he muttered, “Next time, I’m following someone else’s dreams.”

Tomorrow’s children might not be reading the same Roald Dahl classics as the generations before them.

CORRECTION

Last week The Ferguson Report said Roald Dahl books will no longer be printed in English, due to its historical imperialism.

“The books will instead be printed in Egyptian hieroglyphics.”

But this will not happen, due to Ancient Egypt’s historical imperialism.

A Grammar Marxist said, “We considered using the language of Alaska’s Inuit people. But then we read about those poor baby seals.”

The new editions will be real page-turners as readers look for any hint of Dahl’s actual writing.

“For now, we are enjoying the safe spaces between the words.”

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