Three more unidentified objects have been shot down by US fighter jets, sparking interplanetary war.

A spokesthing from Pluto expressed outrage and milk.

“The Purple’s Republic of Pluto condemns America’s aggressive actions in the strongest possible language – working-class Martian rhyming slang,” it said.

Hot air balloons are being shot down across the US by well-armed citizens.

Meanwhile, a UFO enthusiast struggled to explain how balloons travel between planets through a zero gravity vacuum.

CONVERSION IMMERSION DIVERSION

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has announced he won’t “rule out” the banning of “conversion therapy” and other double-negatives.

Conversion therapy aims to change gay people into miserable, unfulfilled heterosexuals.

It’s based upon the titillating notion that hetero sex is ‘normal’, and everything else is just a life-affirming, desire-quenching, perfectly natural delight.

“Heterosexual antics, done correctly, are a baffling aberration,” said a naked couple still looking for their studded-leather ping-pong paddles.

‘Heterofication’ therapy involves long, soulful walks with professional heterosexuals, and regular sausage sizzles.

An ex-gay convert is happy with his therapy. He says he will now only have sex with heterosexual men.

Certain religious groups intend to ignore the ban. “What people do in the privacy of their own homes is our own business.”

NUCLEAR SUBMARINES WERE SCOTT MORRISON’S IDEA SO THEY MUST BE GOOD

The head of Australia’s nuclear-powered submarine taskforce insists the subs will have “sovereign capability”.

Sovereign Citizens rejoiced, but worry the boats will be driven by lizard people.

Every sub’s crew will include an American “technician” who knows where the ignition key is hidden.

The Defence Department insists Australian commanders will have total control over decision making “just like anyone driving someone else’s Lamborghini”.

One submariner said: “Driving a nuclear sub is not rocket science. It’s just ‘Up periscope, down periscope, fire one! fire two! fire three!’ Haven’t you seen The Hunt for Red October?”

In other news…

• STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE NOT LUCKIEST IN WORLD
• NBN EXECS PAID $5.7m IN BONUSES FOR ENSURING BROADBAND IS NEITHER NATIONAL NOR NETWORKED
• U.S. GUNMEN SHOOT EACH OTHER AFTER ARGUMENT OVER WHO GOT TO SCHOOL FIRST
• MAN WHO STOLE 200,000 CADBURY EGGS CAUGHT IN GETAWAY VAN WITH OOMPA LOOMPA
• THREE NEW AUSTRALIAN SPIDERS DISCOVERED, AUSTRALIANS CONTAIN EXCITEMENT
• CHINA’S STATE-OF-THE-ART SPYING TECH DEFEATED BY WIND
• QANTAS LAUNCHES HOME LOAN SERVICE FIVE HOURS LATE, BAGGAGE TO FOLLOW
• DUTTON SORRY HE DIDN’T GET SIGNIFICANCE OF APOLOGY, RETURNS TO WRECKING VOICE REFERENDUM