AMERICANS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER DEMOCRACY INCLUDES VOTING

Since the Supreme Court expunged Roe v Wade, progressive Americans have wondered how such a thing could happen.

Some 33.9 per cent of American voters didn’t vote in the 2020 presidential election. Even fewer voted in 2016.

A forward-thinking backward-marching progressive-regressive said: “In 2016, I didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton. I had no idea my non-vote would make Hillary a non-president.”

“I didn’t vote for Donald Trump either, but he became president. It’s so confusing!”

The right to not vote is what makes America the world’s greatest democracy, give or take 33.9 per cent.

TRAFFIC HONKS HORNS AT BLOCKHEAD AUSTRALIA

A Blockade Australia climate activist blocked Sydney Harbour Bridge Tunnel because grassroots activism eats into TikTok time.

The activist’s car was made of more than a tonne of metal and plastic. She drank from a plastic water bottle and spoke into a fully charged mobile phone.

The traffic jam caused thousands of cars to run their engines at idle for hours, contributing more emissions into the atmosphere.

This crisis has inspired the creation of a new activist group – ‘Block Blockade Australia’.

RUSSIAN ‘ACT OF GOODWILL’ HUNTING

Russian forces have withdrawn from Snake Island, a strangely unpopular Ukrainian holiday spot. Moscow says the move is a “gesture of goodwill”.

An apparatchik-chik-bang said: “Our next act of goodwill will be to pointlessly bomb our own cities and shoot our citizens in the street. It’s only fair.”

A spokescomrade said: “Our military needs the exercise, Russia must rid its forces of COVID belly.”

MILLENNIALS MATCH BABY BOOMERS

The Australian census reveals the number of millennials has equalled Baby Boomers.

To celebrate the milestone, millennials will each receive a Certificate Of Attendance.

ECONOMIC EXPERT TEARFULLY ADMITS ‘I KNOW NOTHING’

An expert in economics has broken down at a press conference.

“I was making it up,” he sobbed. “Nobody knows anything!”

But another expert said the expert’s breakdown was “typical of forecast trends”.

A spokesnerd for Philip Lowe, governor of the Reserve Bank, clarified his recent clarification based on back-checked forward estimates.

“The guesswork of Philip Lowe is top notch,” she said.

“One time, he predicted a bus would go past at exactly 11.05am. He didn’t specify which bus or what it would go past, but he was only off by a week.”

In other news…

• TRUMP’S BODYGUARD FIRED FOR NOT SHOOTING TRUMP TO PROTECT TRUMP
• BIKIE SHOT AFTER POINTING OUT A GANG CALLED ‘LONE WOLVES’ IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS
• CENSUS FINDS <50 PER CENT IDENTIFY AS CHRISTIAN, JESUS TO RAISE PROFILE AS THE BACHELOR
• MYSTERY ROCKET CRASHES ON MOON, PENCIL-NOSED CLOWN WANTED FOR QUESTIONING
• TEALS THREATEN TO VOTE AGAINST GOVT UNLESS TROUGHS ARE MADE WIDER & DEEPER
• NATO LEADERS PRESENT ALBANESE WITH MORRISON MEMORIAL WHOOPEE CUSHION