POST-VOTAL BLISS

Now the vote-tallying is over, Australia lies slumped in the sodden sheets, lazing in the post-electile glow.

Languid in the gloom, South Australia slurps on a vape, blowing butterscotch-flavoured smoke rings over the other states. The smoke-rings spell ‘S-C-O-M-O-O-V-E-R-R-R…’

“How was it for everyone?” asks NSW, as if it actually cares.

The state of Victoria grumbles, “I got poked in the Kooyong!”

Queensland shrugs. “Shouldn’t have listed it as your second preference.”

Tasmania is still undecided as to whether it’s part of Australia. “Are you sure that’s a map?”

Meanwhile, all the states admitted being surprised that Western Australia was still a thing. “But it explains where the bandicoot went.”

A BAD PARLIAMENT BLAMES ITS TOOLS

The Liberals are delighted to announce the recent power brown-outs are all Labor’s fault.

“Australia’s rocked by rising petrol prices, inflation and cost of living because for nine years the Labor Party has been doing nothing,” said a Liberal blame shifter.

“After saving us from the GFC, Labor took their hands off the wheel. Due to their laziness, I bet we’ll never see the religious discrimination act or legalise earth-warming.”

BARNABY GOES QUIETLY WHILE GOING NUCLEAR

Ousted Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce used his farewell speech to demand Australia adopt the nuclear option without the option.

Phosphorescent with fury, Barnaby begged the Labor Party “not to turn it into some sort of ridiculous: ‘You’re going to put a nuclear reactor in someone’s backyard!’”

Cleverly, Joyce left open the front-yard option.

“Obviously you back yourself in. I know how to negotiate and walk into these things,” said Mr Joyce walking backwards out of Parliament.

On Barnaby’s ejection from the leadership, a sheep said, “One ousting is unfortunate. Two oustings seems like carelessness. Three oustings would be Joyce ridiculous.”

MONA LISA VICTIM OF WORLD’S MOST PRICELESS CHEAP STUNT

A French climate protester attacked the glass protecting the Mona Lisa in a whipped cream-related incident.

The activist tried to smear cream on the masterpiece in an attempt to save the planet. It’s complicated.

Climate extremists said, “He should be Dairy-Whipped for not using soy cream.”

When asked to comment, the Mona Lisa simply smiled enigmatically.

A Louvre spokesmonsieur said something very important.

But he said it in French.

The world awaits the subtitled version or the American remake.

In other news…

• NEWS CORP PROCLAIMS ALBANESE WORST PM SINCE MORRISON
• US CONSTITUTION SAYS EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD OWN A HIGH-POWERED AUTOMATIC MUSKET
• ELECTION RESULT MAKES GREENS TOO BIG FOR THEIR SINGLE ORIGIN, QUINOA-INFUSED HEMP SANDALS
• COMMUNIST LEAD GUITARIST SHREDS UNDER THE BED
• MONKEYPOX DRIVES SUFFERERS BANANAS
• ORGANIC FAIR-TRADE DECAF AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS