Life The Ferguson Report: Dutton to see here, just the Leader of the Opposition. Move along
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The Ferguson Report: Dutton to see here, just the Leader of the Opposition. Move along

The Ferguson Report
Dutton to worry about: Tim Ferguson presents all the fake election news that's fit to print. Photo: TND
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VOLDEMORT IS A NICE GUY ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM

Labor’s Tanya Plibersek has apologised for comparing Opposition Leader Peter Dutton to Harry Potter villain Voldemort.

“Outrageous! ” said a ruffled Huffelpuff. “He’s more like an angry Dobby.”

Dutton said he was “not bald by choice,” he was born that way.

The Labor Party admitted it is not acceptable to mock an individual for their demeanour of gloomy and fearsome dread.

TEEN TABLOID TANTRUMS

After the failure of their unbiased Labor-bashing, News Corp’s Herald Sun, Courier Mail and Daily Telegraph have locked themselves in their bedrooms and refuse to come out.

A parent from their parent company said: “I’ve never seen them like this. It’s as if voters have minds of their own.”

The Australian has hit back with a three-page self-centred fold.

The conservative media now comes in three sizes – large, medium and hissy fit.

Meanwhile, a reporter from Sky News’ nightshift, Sky At Night, said, “We’re taking a long, hard look at ourselves.”

“But it’s dark.”

LABOR’S SMALL-TARGET STRATEGY TO BE ENACTED ON A LARGE SCALE

The Albanese government has promised to put its small-target policies into place somewhere behind the fridge.

“The great thing about our ‘Less is less’ approach,” said a Labor spokesman, “is that nobody expects us to do much. In fact, to do anything at all will be breaking our promise.”

He said: “Australians want a government that does nothing but fixes everything. We can certainly handle the first bit.”

Meanwhile, it appears the 30 per cent of Undecided voters had decided, but didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

DUTTON TO WORRY ABOUT

The Liberal Party has replaced bulldozer Scott Morrison with kinder, gentler former Queensland cop Peter Dutton.

“The Liberal Party has to get back to being the Liberal Party,” Mr Dutton told 2GB. He did not explain why he hadn’t mentioned this before. And because he was on 2GB, he wasn’t asked.

“Move along,” said an illiberal Liberal. “There’s Dutton to see here. Stand back or we’ll throw the phonebook at you.”

An LNP spokeswoman said, “Mr Dutton will represent the ‘Australia’s forgotten people’ – the Liberal Party.”

Dutton sees his new role as just another feather in his scalp.

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