Life The Ferguson Report: Something shiny this way comes to distract us from the election
Updated:

The Ferguson Report: Something shiny this way comes to distract us from the election

Tim Ferguson fake news
All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND
Share
Twitter Facebook Reddit Pinterest Email

VOTERS’ ATTENTION SPAN SHRINKING DUE TO – OH LOOK, SOMETHING SHINY!

The attention span of Australian voters has shrunk to momentary levels due to the price of ‘Oh look, there’s another shiny thing.’

The election has clashed with the number of reality TV shows but if you tell that to kids, they won’t believe you.

Cornchip?

Australians who watched the Channel 7 Election Debate were amazed at the scarcity of good plumbers and how about those Broncos?

Recollections of the Liberal government promising ICAC, delaying vaccines and sacking Barnaby only to bring him back are wearing Marilyn Monroe’s dress to the Met Gala.

The election will be won by the donkey vote.

RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION FINDS DEVIL IN DETAIL

Scott Morrison says that, if elected, he will pass the Religious Discrimination Act and Protections Act for gay and trans students separately.

A spokesman said: “Each of the laws will be a condom over the other.”

“The Religious Discrimination Act will allow organised religion to attack LGBTQIA+,” said a pastor with sauce. “Why else would we bother with it?”

Smock-mocked Catholic priests don’t want the previous crimes of their order held against them. “Holding things against us is not advised.”

BLUE AND GREEN SHOULD NEVER BE SEEN

‘Teal’ Independent candidates say they’ll choose between Labor and Liberal in the event of a hung parliament, before siding with the Liberals.

‘Teal’ candidates all live in the Liberal heartland – leafy suburbs patrolled by shitzudoodles.

A candidate said: “We feel strongly about the environment because we own so much of it.”

When asked about her views, a teal candidate said, “My views include a glimpse of Lavender Bay.”

Conservatives fear many Blue Ribbon Liberals will be left mopping up the grey areas.

The Teals are coy about whether they’ll side with Labor or Liberals because it makes them momentarily interesting.

“But be serious,” said a Climate 200 financier-fancier. “Do you really think we’ll support Vaucluse, Toorak and the Labor Party?”

ELECTION DEBATE DISSING CONTEST

The final election debate between Anthony Albanese and Scott Morrison was judged by a pub test. So even the slurs were slurred.

A pub test is a sampling of half-pissed voters who’ll do anything for a free beer.

It was more a wine bar test – not terribly complex, a hint of bitterness and not a big finish.

The outcome of the debate was inconclusive because oh look, there’s something shiny!

In other news …

  • ONE NATION WELCOMES NEWS BARRIER REEF IS TURNING WHITE
  • KATHERINE DEVES’ LATEST STATEMENTS MAKE ABBOTT LOOK LIKE TURNBULL
  • VICTIMS OF FIRST FLOOD TO RECEIVE GOVT HELP AS SOON AS SECOND FLOOD RECEDES
  • ROBOTIC PROSTHETICS COST PATIENTS AN ARM AND A LEG
  • LNP & ALP PROMISE HIGH-SPEED RAIL LINK WILL BE REALITY BY 1987

Promoted Stories