PM BLAMES RATE RISE ON LACK OF RATE RISES
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has denied responsibility for the economy’s triple-whammy head-bang reach-around wedgie.
He masterfully blamed the interest rate rise, inflation, trillion-dollar debt and cost of living on each other.
“These things are beyond our control,” he said between hiccups.
Nonetheless, he urged voters to keep him in control of the economy over which he has no control.
Sex workers are concerned that falling wages means less buck for their bang.
Meanwhile, Anthony Albanese is deeply concerned about his disinterest rate.
NEO-NAZIS MOCKED FOR CELEBRATING HITLER’S BIRTHDAY – BECAUSE TAKING IT SERIOUSLY ONLY ENCOURAGES THEM
A Hitler birthday party was held in a Melbourne restaurant by neo-nutsy white supreme pizza group, Oaf Keepers.
They were discovered when they attempted to blow out the candles with a flamethrower.
The cake was created with a Mixmasterace kitchen aid. It failed to rise.
“We are only single because of our politics,” said one of the bald-headed, pig-squinting helmets with eyes.
ANTI-CORRUPTION COMMISSION TO BE BUILT IN MARGINAL ELECTORATE
Plans for a national anti-corruption commission have been left in a government-built carpark.
But Prime Minister Scott Morrison has slammed the idea of a national integrity commission as a “public autocracy”.
“Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!” said a spokesman. “What if a minister was handing over cash in a brown paper bag and got a nasty paper-cut?”
NDIS COSTS RISE TO HALF A SUBMARINE A YEAR
The budget for the Notional Disability Insurance Scheme (NDIS) has exploded to reasonable levels.
“Nearly one in five Australians has either a physical, acquired, congenital, intellectual or mental health disability,” said a government spokeswoman. “We think they do it for the money.”
A government backpeddler said the NDIS is a welfare-for-life scheme. “But we thought they’d all be dead by now.”
Anthony Albanese wants to make the NDIS cheaper but could not say how.
Scott Morrison wants to make the NDIS cheaper but could not say why.
Meanwhile, the government has told thousands of NDIS recipients that supporting them is not “value for money”.
NDIS recipients replied to the government: “Ditto.”
In other news …
- COST OF LIVING IS THE COST OF LIVING
- EDUCATION MINISTER STILL ABSENT BUT HAS NOTE FROM PM
- ‘GREAT AUSTRALIAN DREAM’ OF OWNING HOUSE IS NOW CAR WITH BIG BACK SEAT
- NEW MARVEL MOVIE PANNED BY CRITICS IN ALL UNIVERSES
- LONE COOK SPOILS BROTH