Life The Ferguson Report: What to give the billionaire with everything? The parliamentary crossbench
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The Ferguson Report: What to give the billionaire with everything? The parliamentary crossbench

Tim Ferguson fake news
All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND
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SOME RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS ARE MORE DEAD THAN OTHERS

This year, six Russian gas industry oligarchs have died mysteriously.

The Kremlin says their deaths are not a mystery.

More alleged suicide attempts are planned by Putin’s Mysterious Death Squad.

POKEMON PARLIAMENT – GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!

Bored billionaires Clive Palmer and Simon Holmes à Court are racing to collect politicians.

The two power-hobbyists are giving themselves the gift you give to men who have everything – the parliamentary crossbench.

Holmes à Court’s ‘Teal candidates’ are single-issue candidates.

“The trouble is,” said a teal-totaller, “we all have the same single-issue. Much like … ahem … a party.”

Meanwhile, on the left-right-out side of politics, Clive’s Beige candidates are hoping to whitewash any opposition.

The members of the new parliament will mostly be on the crossbench. The rest will be on the extremely crossbench.

KAMALA HARRIS SHOWING SIGNS OF EARLY ONSET BIDEN

“Space connects us all,” said US Vice President Kamala Harris to a room of people connected by the space between them.

A heartbeat away from relevance, Kamala’s COVID result is the only positive thing she’s achieved during her vice presidency.

Biden, who has space between his ears, wants Kamala as his running mate while he aimlessly wanders seeking an exit.

GREENS DANGEROUSLY VERGING ON PLAUSIBLE

Polling remains at 10 per cent for the Greens Party You Have When You Aren’t Having A Party.

The Greens are popular among jaded Marxists and purse-lipped vegans who read The Guardian and chamomile tea leaves.

A Greens spokes-persimmon explained the secret for their 90 per cent unpopularity. “We have policies for everything, sometimes for the environment.”

On the Green benches, no one can hear you sigh.

DUTTON PREPARING FOR FIVE-SECOND WAR

Peter ‘Mutton Dressed As’ Dutton has announced a LNP policy slightly less non-existent than the other LNP policies:

WAR!!!

Mr Dutton said Australia must “prepare for war” (until the polls close).

Dutton has ordered Nanna a big bed to hide reds under.

To differentiate Labor from Liberal, Anthony Albanese forcefully agreed.

The government’s new campaign jingle:

War!
What is it good for?
Absolutely Dutton.

In other news …

  • US COURT SHOCKED AS FAMOUS ACTORS CALL EACH OTHER UNSTABLE, SELF-ABSORBED RAGE MONKEYS
  • ANTIVAXXER TRYING TO SAY ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ BUT CAN’T GET THE ATTENTION OF CLAIRVOYANT MEDIUM
  • CAMPAIGNING PM ADMITS HIS CLAIM ‘GOD TOLD ME TO RUN!’ IS AMBIGUOUS
  • NRL PLAYERS BASH EACH OTHER TO PROVE WHO’S THE BIGGER ROLE MODEL

So True It Must Be Fake:

(The Australian, April 29)
THE US SHOULD SHOW IT CAN WIN A NUCLEAR WAR

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