Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese had a debate broadcast on Sky News only, saving Australians from having to watch it.

Sky News viewers did not like the debate. Both of them said it was ‘too left wing’.

The show featured a live audience of 100 undecided Queenslanders. They said their indecision is ‘too left-wing’.

Mr Albanese called some of Mr Morrison’s remarks an “outrageous slur”.

Morrison denied outrageously slurring, saying he is ‘blessed’ not to have a lisp.

PUTIN PLANNING TO DECLARE WAR WHEN IT’S OVER

Russia has refused to admit there is a war, but wants Ukraine to surrender anyway.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has fulfilled his dream of being a genocidal, pustulant scab-scrape fastened to a fleck of Stalin’s spittle.

Scholars are still wondering why Joe Biden got into trouble for suggesting Putin should be gotten rid of.

Meanwhile, Russia announced the Ukrainian port of Mariupol has been the liberated from freedom.

Fears are growing that the world may be facing Cold War II.

ENVIRONMENTAL APPROVAL NOT TO BE MISTAKEN AS THE ENVIRONMENT’S APPROVAL

The Labor Party will approve three new Queensland coal mines, but only if they receive “environmental approval”.

Strangely, the environmental approval will come from human beings.

The three new mega-hyper-monster-mines will produce 60 million tonnes of thermal coal annually for 30 years.

“That’s only 1.8 billion tonnes of coal up in smoke,” said a Labor smokesman.

A scientist vigorously pointed to a globe but the smokesman shook his head.

He then shook his own head.

“We’ll ship the coal overseas,” he said, “so the global warming will be elsewhere.”

BEG, BORROW OR TEAL

Australia’s wealthiest electorates are under siege from candidates known as ‘Teal Independents’. The colour ‘teal’ is a blend of blue ribbon and leafy suburb green.

They describe themselves as ‘Conservatives Who Care About Climate Change’.

This makes as much sense as Socialists Who Want Your Volvo, Fascists Who Eat Quinoa and Activists Who’ve Actually Finished Their Arts Degrees.

One teal independent said, “I want to save the planet for Prius drivers and private school students everywhere.”

In other news…

CLIVE PALMER SPENDING $80M ON CAMPAIGN BECAUSE BUILDING A HOSPITAL TAKES TOO LONG

PM AND KATHERINE DEVES DEFEND THE SPORT OF DOG WHISTLING

AUSTRALIA UNDERESTIMATED THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON ISLANDS

RUSSIAN PLAYERS BANNED FROM WIMBLEDON, WILL HAVE TO THROW TANTRUMS AT HOME

INVESTIGATION INTO PM’s PHONE LEAKS FINDS SIRI IS ALP MEMBER

PUPPY DOG EYES RESPONSIBLE FOR POLAR ICE CAP MELTING