Life The Ferguson Report: Bye, George! That’s a nice payout you’ll pocket
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The Ferguson Report: Bye, George! That’s a nice payout you’ll pocket

Tim Ferguson anti-vax
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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GEORGE CHRISTENSEN OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE CHIP FRYER

Rogue maverick rebel malcontent pariah MP George Christensen has defectively defected from the Liberal National Party to One Nation, with no degree of difficulty.

A One Nation Front spokesman said: “Don’t worry, it’s a matter of time before George leaves us too.”

LNP Senator Matt Canavan said Christensen’s desertion was “a desertion”. He then called a spade a spade and an elephant in the room ‘Alan Tudge’.

The Australian Electoral Commission says if Christensen is not elected, he’ll be eligible for a taxpayer-funded “resettlement allowance” of $105,000.

In politics, this is called “lose-win”.

In the real world, it’s called “electoral roll bludge”.

JOYCE WITH PULP

Nationalist Party leader Barnaby Joyce plans to heal the rift between himself and Scott Morrison with Band-Aid policies and flies in the ointment.

Barnaby has thrown all his hats into the ring. His staff have ordered a bigger ring. Or smaller hats.

Meanwhile, the PM stuck a sticker on the back of his Commonwealth car – “Better safe than Barnaby”.

PUTIN 100 PER CENT POPULAR AMONG RUSSIANS WITH A GUN TO THEIR HEAD

Russian President Vladimir Putin is enjoying enormous popularity since he made unpopularity illegal.

A Russian citizen hanging upside down above a shark tank said, “Putin’s popularity is through the roof of my mouth”.

Putin has switched off Facebook and Twitter, so it’s hard to know which disinformation to disbelieve.

The politically correct term for Russia’s Special Military Operation is ‘ruthless invasion-challenged’.

Ukrainian sports fans have vowed to fight them on the bleachers.

Putin is proving Russians believe whatever state TV stations tells them. This is like Australians believing the ABC.

No … wait.

BORN … BORN … BORN TO BE A CLIVE

Clive Palmer’s Barely United Australia Party has more candidates than Clive’s had hot dinners (this is a metaphor only).

His barely united Australians include:

– An Elvis impersonator
– A candidate impersonator
– Craig Kelly impersonating Craig Kelly (because no one else would)
– Anti-vaxxers, anti-anti-vaxxers and a vaccine that’s against itself
– That guy at your Easter barbecue who tried to convince your cat that science is just an opinion. (The cat won.)

Not to be deterred by his critics, Clive intends to keep his chins up.

In other news …

  • VAPING TEENS SAY EMPHYSEMA TASTES LIKE BUBBLE GUM
  • MORRISON PROMISES CORRUPTION COMMISSION. AGAIN.
  • FLAT EARTHER DECLINES TRIP ROUND THE WORLD
  • ANTHONY ALBANESE EXPLORING NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO LOSE UNLOSEABLE ELECTION
  • DIET INDUSTRY’S MARKET SHRINKING

So True It Must Be Fake:

The Age, April 13:
FOREIGN WORKERS NEEDED TO MEET PM’S JOBS TARGET

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