PUTIN DOWNPLAYS ‘WAR CRIMES’ AS ‘MILITARY EXERCISE CRIMES’

As Ukraine suffers sickening war atrocities, Russia claims its forces aren’t even there.

“Ukraine? Never heard of it,” said a Kremlin official, miraculously speaking through a rubber gag from solitary confinement.

Russia’s defence ministry denied that Russian forces had killed civilians anywhere ever. “And we’ll kill anyone who says different.”

The brave Russian people are bravely placing each other under arrest.

Feeling the pinch from global barbs, Putin plans to singlehandedly turn the tables. But he’s going to need a hand with that first one.

An elderly Moscow reality denier said: “It’s just like the old days. Which never happened.”

TEXT FOR THE MEMORIES

Another text message exchange, allegedly between former NSW premier Gladys Berejiklian and an undisclosed Liberal colleague who can’t be trusted with texts.

Ms Berejiklian allegedly criticised PM Scott Morrison for “petty point-scoring”. As opposed to point-of-no-return-scoring.

Mr Morrison said Ms Berejiklian had denied sending the texts. But she said only that she cannot remember sending them.

So Mr Morrison said, “all I know is that I haven’t seen them.”

Touché!

No. Wait …

ANTHONY ALBANESE SEEN BEING INVISIBLE

Labor leader Anthony Albanese is invisible in plain sight.

Dressed in Harry Potter’s ‘Cloak Of Invisibility’, Albanese’s ‘small target strategy’ has shrunk faster than his waistline.

“Policy Evaporato!” said a Labor spokesman in a puff of smoke.

Albanese was formerly one of Labor’s faceless men. Now he’s ditched the rest of his body.

Sightings of Albanese have proven false as the police continue following a trail of the bland leading the bland.

Albanese claims to be transparent in his policies.

All he needs now is some policies.

ED SHEERAN HARD OF HEARIN’

Ed Sheeran has been found innocent of plagiarism by the British High Court, which was plagiarised from the Magna Carta.

“There’s only so many notes and very few chords used in pop music,” said Sheeran, as if that wasn’t the problem in the first place.

Sheeran said: “Coincidence is bound to happen.”

Which is the opposite meaning of coincidence.

In other news …

• PM CALLS ELECTION THREE YEARS INTO CAMPAIGN
• EMERGENCY SERVICES DEPT. DEMANDS THREE MONTHS’ WARNING BEFORE NEXT EMERGENCY
• SARAH PALIN RUNNING FOR US CONGRESS IS THE MILLIONTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
• ANGRY PENSIONER WHO CONFRONTED MORRISON THOUGHT TO BE JOHN HOWARD
• BUREAU OF METEOROLOGY CLARIFIES “WHEN WE SAID 1000-YEAR FLOOD, WE MEANT IT WILL LAST THAT LONG”
• DUPLICITOUS EASTER BUNNY SPLITS HARES

So True It Must Be Fake:

• QANTAS CEO BLAMES PASSENGERS FOR SYDNEY AIRPORT DELAYS