IF IT LOOKS LIKE DUTTON AND SOUNDS LIKE DUTTON, IT’S DUTTON AT ALL

Defensive Minister Peter Dutton has announced the latest plane in Australia’s Air Force, the pilotless combat aircraft called MQ-28A Ghost Bat.

A spokesman said: “The Ghost Bat is part-ghost, part-bat. Which means it doesn’t exist and even if it does, it can’t see a thing.”

The Ghost Bat will be flown by nobody and is impossible to detect. This makes it a perfect partner for our nuclear submarines – non-existent undetectable deterrent-deterrents.

An invisible spokesman proudly said, “The planes and subs are so hard to find, why don’t we say we’ve already got them?”

ANTI-VAXXERS SLIGHTLY LESS ADAMANT ABOUT RESISTING VACCINE FOR EBOLA

As the horrifying Ebola virus continues to pop up around the world, anti-vaccine protesters are in two minds, which is two minds more than they had previously.

A miraculously surviving anti-vaxxer in a tinfoil tracksuit said, “I’m weighing up vaccination’s 5G thought-control micro-robots against Ebola’s ghastly symptoms. The worst symptom is the death-sentence which contains no verbs, nouns or adjectives. Just a full stop.”

AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT STARRING IN NEW TV FORMATS

As free-to-air TV begs for the sweet mercy of a permanent test-pattern, Canberra is trialling reality TV concepts.

Government At First Sight
A government and the People of Australia meet for the first time, joined in holy matrimony by a celebrant calling themselves both “Governor” and “General”.

The government signs the papers while the People stand outside scraping helplessly against the windows.

The government then takes money from the People and spends it on carparks.

And the government.

This Is Your Wife
A politician is surprised by meeting people they haven’t seen for years.

Canberra Truckers
This show has not been released due to arguments over spelling of the first syllable of ‘truckers’.

AUSTRALIA DECLARES WAR ON SPACE

In other over-the-rainbow military news, Defensive Minister Peter Dutton flagged the creation of an Australian ‘Space Force’ with a straight face.

“We’ll invent ‘Pew-Pew’ laser guns,” said an Australian Astro-Nought. “Space is the only thing we can’t miss!”

The five-second war just got one second longer.

In other news …

• ‘MAN FROM SNOWY RIVER’ TURNS OUT TO JUST BE SOME BLOKE FROM SNOWY RIVER
• SCIENTIST REVEALS ‘PUTIN IS AN EVEN BIGGER PRICK THAN WE THOUGHT’
• PRIME MINISTER’S OFFICE AD: “LOST – UMPTEEN NEWS CYCLES”
• FILE IN ASSANGE’S WEDDING CAKE A DOSSIER ON HILLARY CLINTON
• PUTIN TO ATTEND G20 IN BALI WITH 30,000 HEAVILY-ARMED ‘NEGOTIATORS’
• OPINION POLLS SPELL DOOM FOR MORRISON! (Oops, that headline was from 2019)