ALBO MAKEOVER AND OUT FOR A DUCK

Labor leader Anthony Albanese has undergone months of fitness training, hair styling and Spec-Saving. This has resulted in his extraordinary transformation into a skinnier version of Anthony Albanese.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison suggested the weight loss means Albanese doesn’t know who he is, much like the majority of Australian voters.

“I’m not pretending to be anyone else,” said Morrison wearing a welder’s helmet in a hair salon.

But a Labor spokes-comrade said, “Albo is not pretending to be somebody else, he’s too busy doing an impression of nobody in particular.”

SOCIAL MEDIA PUTIN OUT THE TRASH

Despite three million Ukrainian refugees and Kyiv suffering ruthless bombardment, social media is swamping the world with misinformation about misinformation.

“Don’t believe everything you believe!” tweeted @ICantBelieveItsNotBelievable.

@ThisIsNotATweetedTweet tweeted, “Russia is not conducting a Blitzkrieg. ‘Blitzkrieg’ is a brand of beer.”

A Qanonsensical blogger said, “The Russian offensive has only stalled because US actor Steven Seagal karate-chopped a tank.”

A Flat-earther claimed Putin doesn’t need to flatten Ukraine. “It’s already flat,” he said while sipping a can of ice cold Blitzkreig.

As more horrifying tales of the war emerge, social media influencers continue to be shameless and shameful at the same time.

DICK AND BALLSUP

An official federal government logo promoting the Women’s Network has been criticised for resembled male genitalia.

A spokesman for the Cabinet said, “It was the only way we could get the guys to agree with it.”

Meanwhile, male genitalia have rightly been criticised for resembling male genitalia.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister’s Department denied the government has a ‘woman problem’: “We only have a ‘woman problem’ when we say or do anything related in any way whatsoever to women. And we try to avoid that.”

PM SORRY NOT SORRY THAT YOU ARE SORRY HE’S SORRY NOT SORRY

PM Morrison has strangled an apology for the government’s failure during the floods with his bare hands.

A government spokesworrier explained. “Forcing the PM to apologise makes it seem like the thing that’s clearly his fault is clearly his fault.”

To share the blame for everything ever, Morrison has launched a new customised numberplate – ‘CANBERRA The Sorry State’.

In other news …

• ANTI-VAXXER WORRIED NUCLEAR WAR MAY KILL MILLIONS BEFORE THE VACCINES DO
• COURT CASE AGAINST ENVIRONMENT MINISTER FAILS AFTER GOVT PROVES THERE IS NO ENVIRONMENT MINISTER
• INTERNATIONAL MEN’S MARCH CANCELLED AFTER MEN REFUSE TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
• OSCARS TO BE HOSTED BY THE ONLY PEOPLE LEFT IN HOLLYWOOD WHO HAVEN’T BEEN CANCELLED YET
• KAYAKERS ARRESTED AFTER ROWED RAGE INCIDENT