Just to prove that fashion trends are often not your friends, I came upon a helpful list online for items we should introduce into our wardrobes for autumn.

It was horrific for anyone over 20.

Indulge me while I take a little deep dive and tell you what I’ll be avoiding this autumn.

1) The quilted jacket

 

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Apparently, the quilted parka de jour is Teddy from The Frankie Shop, in khaki, so expect to see lots of versions of it in neutral shades.

Call me psychic, but it is not going to make me look cool and edgy.

If I popped that on, I think the effect would be more Vera, which is not terrible of course, but probably not what I think of as an update.

2) Platform Mary Jane shoes

They’re back.

Saint Laurent started it, and now they are everywhere – very Ziggy Stardust ’70s.

I love them as a concept and would rock them if I was younger, as I’ve always loved a Mary Jane, but this time around, I’ll wear the flat version, which is one ray of light.

3) Balaclavas

They are a result of where fashion is now – a comment on pandemics and war and climate, seen at their most extreme and stupid on Kim K and Kanye. They’re more for photo ops than anything else.

The fashion magazines are promoting them enthusiastically, so excuse me while I go turn down my ceiling fans and check the current humidity levels.

4) Masking tape

 

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Kim K went to the Balenciaga show wrapped in a squeaky catsuit made of masking tape, and the designer Demna Gvasalia sent another version out on the catwalk, later confirming that they would be selling the tape in store so you can use it to ‘customise’ at home.

I’d probs leave some wiggle room, so you can use the toilet, and I presume having body hair is out? Ouch.

5) Cutouts

Why would the fashion world do this to us after two years of comfort eating?

There are lots of keyhole necklines and peek-a-boo cutouts seen on body con dresses, but Italian fashion house Miu Miu sent out the most extreme version last season.

It’s a tiny pleat mini skirt, more like a belt, and crop top specifically designed to show underboob, which has been so enthusiastically taken up by stylists and fashionistas worldwide, it has its own Instagram page @miumiuset.

There is nothing a high fashion editor or photographer likes more than a taut abdomen and zero body fat, so expect to see this extremely-hard-to-pull-off look continue until the end of time.

The outfit got so much press that Miu Miu sent it out again this season and just changed the fabric.

6) Coloured pantsuits

I won’t be avoiding them because I like the idea of an easy, solution piece like a bright suit, but committing to one colour head to toe is a challenge.

If two pieces of neon green or hot pink is too much for you, maybe just introduce it as a blazer or a coat. It would definitely be more cheerful than a full-face balaclava.