Life The Ferguson Report: Russian oligarchs endure war, sanctions and missing out on Hitler’s car
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The Ferguson Report: Russian oligarchs endure war, sanctions and missing out on Hitler’s car

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MILLENNIAL CLAIMS IMPENDING NUCLEAR WAR ‘MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE’

“Nuclear war is a construct,” said a Millennial during a lecture on architectural constructs.

Another student said, “I get triggered by the nuclear trigger.”

Lecturers stopped mentioning the risk of nuclear war for fear of losing their jobs.

An inactivist said: “Tweeting about nuclear war has eaten into my time correcting people’s pronouns.

“My days are now consumed by correcting pronunciations of ‘Kyiv’. Oops, I mean ‘Kyiv’ … Dammit. One last try … ‘Kyiv’… No, wait …”

From now on, vegans promise to call ‘Chicken Kiev’ ‘Chicken Kyiv’ before refusing to eat it.

Activists are modifying their protest signs:

  • Defund Preparations For The Apocalypse!
  • Vaporised Lives Matter!
  • The Cloud Is A Mushroom!
  • NOT Okay Boomer

RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS ALMOST AS BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE’S

The United States, UK and Australia have imposed sanctions on several hundred Russian oligarchs.

Russian oligarchs are like Australian oligarchs but even more drunk.

A Russian oligarch said, “the sanctions are a terrible blow, like when we recently lost the bidding war on Hitler’s car.”

KHAKI CAR KEY KEYS CAR ELECTION

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has declared Australia needs more submarines to make travel easier during the floods.

Morrison refused to confirm an election. “It’s just the way his trousers hang,” said a spokesman.

NO COMMENTS ON NO COMMENTS

The Prime Minister’s office banned media filming during his visit to northern New South Wales.

A spokesman explained. “We banned media out of respect for the privacy of those who came to shout abuse.”

Out of respect for all Australians, the media will henceforth be banned from all Morrison’s events.

A political philosopher asked: “When a prime minister declares a national flood emergency with no cameras around, does he make a noise?”

No, he doesn’t.

ARMAGEDDON EVEN MORE IMMINENT THAN USUAL

American megachurches claim Russia’s recent actions signal the end of the world.

Thankfully, they’re still accepting donations.

US Preacher Pat Robertson suggested Russian President Vladimir Putin’s attack on Ukraine, wreaking havoc, death and tragedy, was “compelled by God” to fulfil the Armageddon prophecy.

A spokesman for God said – “That’s bulltwang. God is love, not war.”

He added: “So send money now.”

In other news …

  • ASPIRING PUBLIC FIGURE DEEPLY APOLOGISES FOR MENTIONING RACE, IDENTITY OR SEXUALITY IN ANY CONTEXT EVER
  • GOVT’S SECRET MICROWAVE WEAPONS DESTROYED BY ANTI-VAXXERS’ TINFOIL HELMETS
  • FRYDENBERG PLEDGES $65m FOR IMAGINARY CAR PARK NEAR PRETEND SUBMARINE BASE
  • ESTATE AGENTS SAY NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BUY WATERFRONT PROPERTY!
  • MORRISON DECLARES NATIONAL FLOOD EMERGENCY, TAKES REST OF THE DAY OFF