CLIVE DENIES BUYING THE WORLD’S BLACKEST CLOWN CAR

United Australia Party leader Clive Palmer has denied reports he bought the Mercedes-Benz owned by Adolf Hitler.

“I did not buy Hitler’s car,” Palmer tweeted. “Its (sic) more Fake News.”

The Ferguson Report denies involvement in the joke.

“Our political jokes are written by Morrison, Albanese and whatsisname from the Greens – no, not him, the other old white male.”

People who condemned the Fake News report have struggled with their argument because they keep mentioning Hitler.

A high school debater said: “It’s best to avoid likening others to Hitler. In this case, it’s likening Hitler to Hitler. This reduces the argument to name-calling, even though the name being called is the actual name.”

Instead of using the word ‘Hitler’, feel free to use any swearword.

TRUMP PROMISES TO RULE WITH AN IRONIC FIST

The next president of the United States, Donald Trump, has refused to say whether he will run at the next US election.

Luckily, Trump has proven this is not a crucial part of the election-winning process.

Trump is pushing forward with his latest campaign slogan: “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool none of the people, so don’t waste my time.”

OSCARS ‘FAN FAVOURITE’ TO BE WON BY TOM GLEESON

Australia’s beloved Gold Logie winner Tom Gleeson will win the Oscars new popular choice category.

“The Fan Favourite Oscar is for films that millions of people watched because they don’t know any better,” an Oscars spokesextra said.

Meanwhile, the Oscar Awards have announced nominations for Best Picture Within A Narrow Set Of Politically Correct Guidelines.

It’s expected that Best Picture and Fan Favourite will not be the same movie.

Meanwhile, Australia’s AACTA Awards are offering cash prices for anyone who knows what AACTA stands for.

The AACTA awards celebrate movies that are depressing yet bleak, or contain Martin Bryant. “We reject a fan-favourite category because happy endings are a slippery slope to entertainment”.

Next year’s winner is expected to be a non-narrative nine-hour non-western with a very long title.

In other news…

LIBS LABEL ALBANESE MOST LEFT-WING LEADER SINCE TURNBULL

PRINCE CHARLES LINKED TO NEW, OH WHO CARES?

NEW BATMAN MOVIE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TO LAST TWO BATMAN MOVIES BUT A BIT SIMILAR TO THREE BATMAN MOVIES BEFORE THAT

CASINO LICENSE AWARDED TO CRIME SYNDICATE ‘TO SAVE TIME’

‘ONE-IN-1000-YEARS’ FLOOD WILL BE BACK NEXT YEAR