JOE BIDEN THREATENS PUTIN WITH OLD AGE
US President Joe Biden has declared a Tepid War with Russia.
Biden announced sanctions on Russia “with immediate effect” without having an immediate effect.
Russian forces have captured the Chernobyl nuclear power plant and covered it in graffiti. It now has written disaster all over it.
Biden plans to stand with the people of Ukraine. Just as soon as he can locate it on the map.
Meanwhile, Russian president Vladimir Putin has vowed he will not stop until Ukraine is reunited with the Sudetenland.
PM BACKS BILL THAT ALLOWS BOB-EACH-WAY ONE WAY ONLY
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has backed a pushback push to allow sporting groups to exclude transgender people from single-sex sports.
Morrison said Senator Claire Chandler’s private member’s bill to amend the Sex Discrimination Act to allow sex discrimination is “terrific”, presumably because she’s pushing it and he doesn’t have to.
Tolerance for intolerance is part of the government’s new technique: spitting-while-dog-whistling.
UAP CANDIDATES INCLUDE THAT BLOKE AT THE BBQ WHO ARGUED WITH YOUR CAT
Clive Palmer’s come-as-you-are party has announced election candidates for every occasion – weddings, birthdays and your own funeral.
One voter wanted to celebrate with a Let’s Make Old Parliament House Smoke ceremony.
JOYCE ONE OF THOSE THINGS
Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce (no pun intended) aims to win back conservative voters disaffected by the government’s handling of anti-vaxx flat-earth/spherical-pancake conspiracy wingnuts.
Polls show anti-vaccine protesters are planning to vote for Pauline Hanson, Clive Palmer and also Donald Trump – an idea almost as ludicrous as Trump winning the 2016 US election.
Barnaby aims to downgrade the term ‘Deplorables’ to merely ‘Implausibles’.
Joyce said the Nationals will differentiate themselves from the Liberals at the coming election, presumably by wearing bigger hats.
Barnaby wanted all parties together at the same table but has opted for all tables at the same party.
With campaigning already underway, Barnaby Joyce recently walked into a bar. The Barman said, “Why the red face?”
A red-faced spokesman said, “It’s certainly not shame or embarrassment.”
In other news…
RUGBY AUSTRALIA CAN SAVE MILLIONS WITH NEW POLICY: ‘PAY WALLABIES MORE IF THEY WIN’
RAAF JETS THAT DON’T FLY TO LAUNCH FROM RAN SHIPS THAT DON’T FLOAT
MAN WHO STOLE CRYPTOCURRENCY TO BUY NFTs ESCAPES BY BEING INVISIBLE
WORLD SHOCKED AS TENNIS PLAYER DOESN’T ACT LIKE ENTITLED ARSECLOWN
VETERINARIANS FORM NONPROFIT GROUP – DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDER COLLIES