SEX CONTRACT NOT THAT SORT OF SEX CONTRACT

Queensland’s Citipointe Christian College has retracted its gender and sexuality contract, presumably because it was giving students ideas.

The contract lumped together examples of “sexual immorality”, including “adultery, fornication, homosexual acts”.

Social commentators agreed that school students should not commit adultery. And parents denied ever having fornicated.

The contract did not mention disturbing hetero sins such as ping-pong-paddle-whacking, sitting on meat pies without sauce and the appalling practice politely described as “parking”.

Curiously, the contract did not ask students to refrain from other “sins” such as murder.

NEWSPOLL DANCING

The government is reeling from polls showing support for the Prime Minister has deflated faster than Bitcoin Bubblegum.

The polls were dismissed by an anonymous NSW minister (not the anonymous minister who sent the anonymous text message to the anonymous Gladys Berejiklian).

He said: “The only catastrophic slump that matters is the catastrophic slump on election day.”

As far as who texted Gladys? All Abetz are off.

The opposition is ahead 56-44 on a two-party-preferred basis.

But numbers are swiftly rising on a no-party-preferred basis.

Meanwhile, government focus groups screamed “Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce” into a pillow to see if it sounds better.

SEE SPOTIFY RUN. RUN, SPOTIFY, RUN

Spotify has lost more than $2 billion in market value after Neil Young removed his music to protest vaccine misinformation not unlike the lyrics, “I’ve seen the needle and the damage done”.

Susan Boyle has declared she’ll stay with the platform with the launch of her new single, I Streamed a Stream.

FREEDOM CONVOY ANTI-VAX & ANTICLIMAX

A freedom convoy of Karens, Kevins and a third K have besieged Parliament House to take down the government as soon as their buffalo horns arrive.

The marchers waved a new flag featuring none of the colours of the rainbow.

“We left home, travelled interstate and gathered in groups to demand the freedom to leave home, travel interstate and gather in groups,” said an anti-vax marcher who recently recovered from being turned into a newt.

Protesters were forced to hold each other hostage and arrest themselves as the fascist government refused their right to be denied freedom once again.

Protesters insisted the only people you can believe are Clive Palmer and Craig Kelly MP.

That’s right, Clive Palmer and Craig Kelly MP.

In other news …

• KEITH RICHARDS FOUND ALIVE IN HOTEL ROOM
• RORSCHACH TEST REVEALS PENCHANT FOR WINE AND CHEESE
• PM IN DESPERATE SEARCH FOR A TEXT THAT SAYS SOMETHING NICE ABOUT HIM
• ANTHONY ALBANESE’S POPULARITY RISING EVERY TIME HE DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
• PSYCHIC AND NON-PSYCHIC MISS THE SAME BUS