Life The Ferguson Report: Clive on stage! United Australia Party’s Circus Kneejerkus
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The Ferguson Report: Clive on stage! United Australia Party’s Circus Kneejerkus

The Ferguson Report
Tim Ferguson presents all the fake news that's fit to print. Photo: TND
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THE UNITED AUSTRALIA PARTY FLYING CIRCUS – CLIVE ON STAGE!

Clive Palmer has unveiled 26 astounding acts for the UAP Circus Kneejerkus including:

The Amazing Bearded Man – watch his beard grow really, really slowly!
The Man With The Tiny, Tiny Vocab Thing
The Two-Faced Man
A Temperamentalist
A Delusionist
A Near Mystic
A Former Alt-Right Conspiracy Freak Who Stresses The Word ‘Former’
Some Woman Who Is By No Means Token
A Books Juggler
A Fact Contortionist
That Cousin You Avoid At Xmas
An Elephant in the Room (who is not Clive)

The party’s theme song will be sung by Quarantina Turner.

TRIPLE J OLDEST 100

Triple J Hottest 100 has been topped by The Wiggles, Australia’s snazziest seniors.

Next year’s competition will be renamed Oldest 100 Nearing 90.

The top spot will be awarded to more old white men doing cover versions of songs made famous by even older white men. Rolf Harris is already remastering his classic Six White Boomers.

An ABC spokeswoman said: “The Hottest 100 is democratically elected by the same people who elected Scott Morrison.”

How can this be? The average age of Triple J listeners is 43.

“But we look 42 and a half!” said a fan who dances like his parents are watching.

Triple J has its finger on the pulse … to make sure it’s still alive.

BYRON BAY, HOME OF THE BAD INFLUENCERS

Byron Bay cast members of the Netflix reality series Byron Baes have posted videos of people dancing. This contravenes NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet’s belief that dancing leads to contraception.

Meanwhile, Byron Bay locals fear climate change has hit them. It’s rumoured to be blowing a kale up there.

The median house price in Byron has hit $2,293,730. If the trend continues it will soon be known as the comedian house price.

A Byron Bay real estate agent has a new slogan – “There’s no place like homeopathy.”

Networks are planning to follow-up Byron Baes with Byron-inspired movies:
Gone With The Wind Farm
Gluton-Free Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Soylent Greenie
Throw Momma from the Commune
and an Aussie classic, Summer Of The Seventeenth Melanoma.

In other news …

  • LOST SOCK FOUND JUST AS OTHER SOCK GOES MISSING
  • HEDONISTIC MOTH DRAWN TOWARD DELIGHT
  • SCOMO’S PR/COMMS TEAM WONDERING ‘WHAT’S UP WITH HIM THIS WEEK?’
  • GOVT ‘$1BN TO SAVE GREAT BARRIER REEF’ TO BE SPENT ON GIANT ICE CUBE
  • DINOSAURS NOT OUR FRIENDS: REPORT

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