YOU KNOW YOU’RE A SUPER-SPREADER WHEN …
– You are the last super-spreader in your family
– Your Tinder profile says you are “adventurous” and “up for immuno-compromise”
– You think doctors are lying but use condoms anyway
– You refuse to have a vaccine because its tiny robots help the government track your whereabouts – according to something you read on your mobile phone
– All your conversations begin with, “No, wait! Please come back!”
PLEASE DISPOSE OF YOUR PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY RESPONSIBLY
NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet suggests people will beat COVID by taking “personal responsibility”, proving he hasn’t met people.
Thanks to their short-lived freedoms, more than 5000 New South Welshfolk are now personally responsible for catching COVID each day.
Speaking from his baby farm, Perrottet insisted that whatever people do with their personal responsibility, he won’t be held personally responsible.
PM TO FIGHT ELECTION OVER FAITH, CLIMATE AND OTHER THINGS NOBODY AGREES UPON
Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s 2022 election campaign will promise free God for everybody and climate change in every home.
The government’s Religious Discrimination Is Good For You bill has been shelved until Earth freezes over.
Their Independent Commission Against Corruption was accidentally left in a pork barrel.
To compete, Labor is promising a ‘Faith and Climate Summit’ to prove climate change has nothing to do with God. (Discuss)
Labor will also target atheist inner-city quinoa-lickers slurping lukewarm soy-milk on their way to Hell.
A Labor godless-botherer explained: “The Labor Party is a broad church with a very low ceiling.”
The Greens have offered a handbasket to go to hell in.
Catholics are looking forward to climate change, welcoming the possibility of a Holy See change.
TWENTY MOST POPULAR HEADLINES OF 2021 …
- NASA MISTAKENLY PUTS LAND ROVER ON MARS
- ‘GOLDEN GAYTIME’ OFFENSIVE TO PEOPLE HAVING A MISERABLE TIME
- VEGAN PROTEIN A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
- CAT NOT ANGRY, JUST DISAPPOINTED. IN YOU, OBVIOUSLY.
- RUGBY LEAGUE PLAYER APOLOGISES FOR BEHAVING LIKE A RUGBY LEAGUE PLAYER
- JOKE MAKES READER SNORT COFFEE. NOW HE’S HOOKED.
- CHANGE.ORG PETITION ENDS CAPITALISM!
- HETERONORMATIVE COUPLE STRUGGLING TO EXPLAIN DISAPPEARANCE OF GERBIL
- TATTOOIST JAILED FOR SECRETLY VACCINATING BIKIES
- EMAIL URGING “LAST CHANCE!!!” MAY NOT BE LAST CHANCE
- IN WORLD FIRST, TEENAGER ACTUALLY DOES KNOW EVERYTHING
- IF ALL GOES WELL, BYRON BAY LOCKDOWN WILL BE PERMANENT
- NEW ‘DIVERSE’ EMPLOYEE LESS DIVERSE THE MORE YOU GET TO KNOW HIM
- ANTI-VAXXER SAYS “GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH”. GETS BOTH.
- VEGAN ADMITS HE BECAME A VEGAN JUST TO SLEEP WITH THAT OTHER VEGAN
- NEWS CORP HEADLINE ‘DUTTON CHARM OFFENSIVE’ MISSING A COMMA
- SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE OR BOTH
- ANTHONY ALBANESE AS SURPRISED AS ANYBODY TO DISCOVER HE LEADS THE LABOR PARTY
- BODY BUILDER WITH NECK TATTOO DRIVING MASERATI CLAIMS HE’S INNOCENT
- GUINEA PIG NERVOUS ABOUT PROMOTION TO TEST DUMMY