Life The Ferguson Report: Christensen copies Mel Gibson until he’s blue in the face
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The Ferguson Report: Christensen copies Mel Gibson until he’s blue in the face

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Tim Ferguson's take on the week's news. Photo: TND
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CANNABINOIDS CURE EVERYTHING BUT MEDICAL OVERREACHING

Cannabinoids (CBDs) have been celebrated as the cure for everything and also everything else.

An enthusiast claims CBD oil cures sleeplessness, wakefulness, back pain and front pain. “It transforms irritable bowels to slightly annoyed bowels and high anxiety to low-level terror at the black abyss lurking beneath our every step.”

An amateur brain surgeon at the same organic cafe said: “Cannabinoids drastically reduced my compulsion to have conversations about anything but Cannabinoids.”

There are side effects. Alternative medical practitioners warn that Cannabinoids can lead to dry hemping.

NEW IDEA SEEN TOPLESS WITH BABY BUMP WHILE HOLIDAYING WITH PRINCE ANDREW!!!

TV star Grant Denyer has won a battle with the tabloid magazine New Idea over a front cover story that no one believed anyway.

Close friends say the tabloid slept with its own crossword puzzle in a ‘Saucy Orgy With 3 Down & 6 Across’.

The gutter press have been asked to pull themselves out of themselves.

TALES FROM THE CRYPTO

Treasurer Josh Frydenboiled will implement a “comprehensive payments and crypto-asset reform plan” called The Emperor’s New Cluster.

“Crypto is a thing, while not actually being an actual thing,” said a Narnia economist. “The invisible inventor of cryptocurrency, Satoshi Nakamoto, may not understand money. But he sure understands people.”

Meanwhile, liquidators will wind up Australian crypto trading platform, myCryptoWallet as soon as they get the Ouija board working.

Furious customers can’t access their accounts and Gandalf is not returning their calls.

But Josh promises no Australian child will go without pocket crypto.

GEORGE CHRISTENSEN IMPERSONATES BRAVEHEART ‘TIL HE’S BLUE IN THE FACE

Hackbencher George Christensen MP has posted a Braveheart parody online with his face superimposed over Mel Gibson’s. It fits perfectly.

Social media was outraged by Christensen’s mockery of blue-face.

The Prime Minister scolded the media for “drawing it to people’s attention”. This was widely reported.

George has been forced to undergo Civil Disobedience Training.

An anti-vaxxer said: “They may take our lives, but they cannot take our freedom … even though they have just taken our lives … Um . It’s complicated.”

In other news …

  • BEACH VOLLEYBALL ENTHUSIAST DIDN’T REALISE IT’S A SPORT
  • BLACK COMEDIAN AND LESBIAN COMEDIAN PUNCH DOWN AT EACH OTHER
  • FREEDOM MARCH BRINGS SOCIALISTS AND NAZIS TOGETHER AT LAST
  • BARNABY JOYCE TESTS POSITIVE FOR NON-EXISTENT FLU
  • MARTIN BRYANT MOVIE ‘NITRAM’ WINS AACTA AWARDS, BRINGING JOY AND HOPE TO MARTIN BRYANT

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