Life The Ferguson Report: NDIS left on deck as AUKUS submarines crash dive

The Ferguson Report: NDIS left on deck as AUKUS submarines crash dive

Tim Ferguson fake news
All the fake news that's fit to print, and some that's not, from Tim Ferguson. Photo: TND
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Due to the “budget catastrophe we had to have”, the federal government is now forced to choose between the National Disability Insurance Scheme and AUKUS toy submarines.

The Mid-Year Economic and Fiscal Outlook (MYEFO) is expected to announce that Australia has spent all the money it didn’t have on borrowing money it can’t afford.

The MYEFO crisis has been handed to the Optimal Oversight Planning Scheme (OOPS), the Unilateral High Optimisation Helm (UH-OH) and the Weekly Tribunal Accounts Forum (WTAF).

A Government backpeddler said, “Should we support people with disabilities despite their limited defensive capabilities? Or buy Los Angeles submarines that were designed in the 80s so they’ll be 70 years old when we get them in 2050 and thus will need mobility aids?”

Southern Hemisphere claims cultural appropriation

The Cultural Appropriation Committee of the Southern Hemisphere has confirmed that all races and cultures on earth started in the Southern Hemisphere.

“Northern hemisfascist representations of any human culture whatsoever are toxic oppression,” said a Kiwi played by an African reading a speech written by a South American in Antarctica.

“Only Southern Hemispherics can understand the pressures of living under the equator enough to truly represent it in books or on the screen.”

A Swedish author outrageously asked, “Can’t I write about the southern hemisphere using research and imagination?”

She was loudly condemned on Twitter, which is apparently a thing.

@UpYourNoseWithaSouthPole said, “Southerners are sick and tired of Northsplaining.”

Rebel bad sports

Rebel MPs have sunk the Integrity Commission Bill which accused the Anti-Corruption Commission of breaching its Religious Discrimination discriminations.

A right-wing rebel-rouser said, “We are trying to vote with our feet, but it has proven difficult to hold the pens between our toes.”

Moderate Liberals have told the rogue senators that vaccine mandates are a bitter pill they have to swallow. The rebels are now preparing an anti-bitter pill bill while others are forming their own party called, “Bob Katter Matters.”

March ado about nutting

Freedom From Freedom marches have once again infected Australia’s capital cities. Sadly, protesters behaved themselves and there was no need to pepper-spray their undies and cart them off in wheelie bins.

Before marching, the protesters had a fresh breakfast, showered in clean water, texted each other on smartphones and caught public transport to complain that society doesn’t work.

They are now planning a freedom of speech rally to speak freely about their inability to freely speak.

Conspiracy theorists wearing Guy Fawkes masks remained bravely anonymous.

Planning ahead, each march ended at a hospital ER.

In other news…

Omicron variant now with sunroof and power steering

Federal anti-corruption commission delayed until everyone forgets about sports rorts, blind trusts and car porks

Dead anti-vaxxer says vaccines kill

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