Life The Ferguson Report: Scientist declares that global warming is caused by awards ceremonies
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The Ferguson Report: Scientist declares that global warming is caused by awards ceremonies

Ferguson Report
Everything is bigger in Texas – including their COVID-19 death toll of 70,000+, writes Tim Ferguson.
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TOTALITARIAN TYRANNY POSTPONED DUE TO GOOD WEATHER

Anti-factsers expected lockdowns would turn Australia into a totalitarian regime, Reich it or not.

A conspiracy theorist struggling to hide in a hi-vis jacket said, “Since the lockdowns ended, street marching is not the same – there’s too many passers-by passing us by. We will now protest by staying at home watching the Home Shopping Channel”.

Neighbourhood Nazis are in two small minds about it. They will keep marching for the freedom to take away everyone’s freedom.

PRINCE WILLIAM SAVES EARTH BY WEARING JACKET FOR THE SECOND TIME

Prince William
Prince William, seen here single-handedly ending global warming. Photo: Getty

Prince William has ended global warming by arriving at the Earthshot climate change event wearing a green velvet jacket he wore at an event in 2019.

He encouraged the people of the world to wear their high-end tailored garments more than once.

A scientist declared that global warming is caused by awards ceremonies.

A spokeswoman said, “Each week in the United Kingdom, landfills are filled with clothes worth $195 million. We can reduce this by making clothes cheaper.”

A climate change of clothing includes recycled cycling shorts, solar flares and edible undies worn by climate models.

POLL THE OTHER ONE

As the federal election nears, opinion pollsters say they’ve been consistently wrong about why they’ve been consistently wrong.

“Our margin of error takes up most of the page!”

Pollsters typically interview 1500 voters with landline phones who will talk to strangers. This narrows the field to older people and chatty toddlers.

Poll proponents are suggesting a referendum on polls but polls show that no-one is interested in referendums.

A ‘lack of opinion’ poll found that pollsters were generally undecided.

A survey showed that voters prefer poll dancers.

TED CRUZ ‘STANDS WITH THE PEOPLE OF AUSTRALIA’ FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET

US Senator for Texas, Ted Cruz, has criticised the Northern Territory’s strict vaccine mandates.

“In Texas, we don’t jab people’s arms, we arm their arms with arms.”

He urged Australia to introduce son-of-a-gun laws.

Cruz called Australia “the Texas of the Pacific” and other offensive things.

Everything is bigger in Texas – including their COVID-19 death toll of 70,000+.

And everything else is bigger in Texas except for the Northern Territory which is twice as big as Texas.

“You know nothing about us!” Michael Gunner tweeted at Cruz. Gunner is Chief Minister of the Northern Territory and a member of the centre-left faction of the Labor Party, both good reasons why his comment was ignored.

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