CHRISTMAS DELAYED AS SANTA HELD IN QUARANTINE

Home Alone Minister Peter Dutton has announced Santa Claus will be held in quarantine for 14 days while undergoing COVID tests.

Prancer and Blitzen cleared Customs but Rudolph was hospitalised after sneezing into his fetlock.

Because of age and weight issues, Santa will be wearing a mask, so his catchphrase, “Ho ho ho” will be changed to “Hmph hmph hmph”.

SCOTT MORRISON ASSUMES THE EMISSIONARY POSITION

PM Scott Morrison will agree to net zero emissions by 2050 so long as no one tells the mining industry.

A Liberal Party fundraiser shopping at Coal Converters said, “If the miners catch wind of this, Twiggy Forrest will go up like a twiggy forest.”

Morrison claims coal is renewable if you wait long enough.

The PM also agreed to a 2080 target which will be kept in a waterproof casing.

After stamping out his detractors, ScoMo plans to hold an exhibition of his carbon footprints.

TRUMP DOUBLES THE DEATH PENALTY

Not happy with 300,000 deaths by COVID, the Trump administration has expanded capital punishment to include killing criminals by gas, electrocution, hanging and firing squad, presumably all at once.

But a White House spokeswoman with a Pro-Life sticker in one hand and a noose in the other said, “We also have a new execution technique – Death by Gaslighting.”

Trump wants to give the condemned freedom of choice by asking, “Do you want to be fried with that?”

President-elect Joe Biden has drawn the line at beheading. It’s a dotted line just under the chin.

JOE BIDEN ELECTED 46^TH REALITY CELEBRITY OF THE USA

Joe Biden, who was elected because he is not Donald Trump, has shown by his coughing fits, long pauses and rambling that he may not be Joe Biden for long either.

Meanwhile, other reality-TV stars are considering campaigning for the presidency. Kim Kardashian, some bachelor and a Survivor who didn’t survive are throwing their MAGA hats in the ring.

But Big Brother has told them not to bother. “I have it all under control.”

Biden is set to star in a string of reality shows:

Blankety Blank

Dawdling With the Stars

America’s Next Top Muddle

So You Think You Can Lead The Free World

Keeping Up With My Cardigans

In other news …

• TOM CRUISE MISTAKENLY SHOUTS ABOUT SOCIAL DISTANCE AT CREW MEMBER 1.5 METRES TALLER
• GRAMMAR NAZI OFFENDED BY ‘WOKE’ ACTIVIST
• CHRISTMAS HYMNS TO BE REFERRED TO AS CHRISTMAS THEYS
• SANTA CANCELLED FOR DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
• CHRISTIAN ANTIVAXXER ALT-RIGHT MUSICAL ANNOUNCED – JESUS CHRIST SUPERSPREADER

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson