“This cannot be just another budget,” the Treasurer said in his budget speech.

But in terms of quirky spending, he delivered on Tuesday all the bits, bobs and herpes-ridden carp we’ve come to expect from the more obscure pages of the budget.

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This annual summary of proposed revenue and expenditure is a chance for the government of the day to set out its economic agenda, take a swing at the opposition, pork barrel swing electorates – and give us a giggle. Or a gasp.

1. Farewell ASOS, my old friend

Fancy a spot of tax-free online shopping? Want a 10 per cent discount on that sexy suede jacket from ASOS? You have 13 months to go wild.

Online shopping is going to get more expensive. Photo: Getty

The budget predicts that from 1 July, 2017 all online sellers with an annual turnover of $75,000 or more will charge 10 per cent GST for goods under $1000. That means all the shoes, handbags, Grateful Dead t-shirts and Batman figurines you previously bought tax free will soon be taxed.

What we did learn in the budget is that the measure is expected to reap the government $300 million between the 2017-18 and 2019-20 financial years – a conservative estimate that assumes not all online sellers will immediately comply. So look for those non-compliers if you want a bargain in late 2017.

2. Passport pain

Don’t lose your passport any time soon.

Announced in the budget, the government will increase the cost of the travel document from 1 January 2017 by $20 for adults and $10 for children and seniors.

Worse still, for those who need a new passport urgently, the price of priority processing will increase by $54.

The government blamed the fee increase partly on the increasing cost of providing consular support. According to the budget, the measure is expected to raise $48.5 million between 2016-17 and 2019-20.

3. Sexy carp

Joyce was supposed to be talking about carp. Photo: AAP

As Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce so eloquently observed in Parliament on Monday (“caaaaaarp!”), the government has earmarked a cool $15 million between 2016-17 and 2018-19 to eradicate carp, which are apparently bedevilling the Murray-Darlin Basin.

Did we mention the chosen method of extermination is death by fornication? In his inestimable wisdom, the Deputy PM shall unleash Death by Herpes into our waterways.

So, here’s mud in your eye to those muddy, mud-raking, mud-eating caaaaaaaarp, who shall go out not with a whimper, but almighty banging.

4. The Cigarette Police

Not only has the government copied Labor’s tobacco excise, slapping an extra 12.5 per cent per year on ciggies in 2017, 2018, 2019 and 2020, but it’s also cracked down on duty free cigarettes.

From 1 July 2017, the duty free allowance will drop from 50 cigarettes to 25. Bad luck, nicotine-addicted frequent fliers.

Oh, and the Tobacco Strike Team is getting an extra $7.7 million over the next two financial years to crack down on illicit tobacco. So if you see them coming, stub out.

5. Bossy millennials

As if today’s youth weren’t bossy enough, wot wot, the budget will fund a plan to create more young entrepreneurs.

From 1 December 2016, the government will devote $88.6 million over four years to encourage young job seekers to explore self-employment. One of the measures is ‘Exploring Being My Own Boss’ workshops.

6. The Cyber Ambassador will see you now

The government intends to create the role of Cyber Ambassador, at a cost of $2.7 million over the next four financial years, according to the budget.

This person – or species non-specific, cybernetically-enhanced, software-fused being – will apparently be established “within” DFAT. Uploaded, we presume.

No word yet on whether there is a Cyborg Treasurer, E-Prime Minister, Julie Bishop Clone or Kevin Rudd 3.0 in the works.

7. Put a logo on it, Jim

Ballot papers will soon be spiced up with Liberal, Labor and Greens logos.

The government has set aside $4.8 million over the next two financial years to printing party insignia – a chunk of funding that will be shared with a project to “enhance” the EasyCount vote counting system.

8. Dopey athletes

The Gold Coast is a den of illegal drugs, and our athletes – and the fans who love them – must be protected from it at all costs. Or so the budget would have us believe.

The government set aside $1.5 million prior to the 2018 Gold Coast Commonwealth Games for anti-doping activities. The measure, which includes drug testing, will be aimed at both Aussie and international athletes.