The Bachelor has finally arrived for 2020 and this season, there are two things producers want us to know.
The first thing is that this year’s bachelor Locky Gilbert is an adrenaline junkie.
We know this because he has already been on Survivor twice. We further know this because he keeps mentioning it.
The second is that redheads are people too (we’ll find this out soon in one of the most spectacular, no-context breakdowns the show has ever seen).
This year’s leading man is (very) tall, dark and handsome and has turned all the women into giggling messes.
As they pour out of their limousines ready to meet their suitor, each glamorous contestant is trying her absolute best to leave an impression on Locky.
There’s Steph, whose dress is vaguely reminiscent of the señorita dancing emoji, but builds instant rapport when discussing her very original love of burritos.
There’s Izzy, who brings in a chilli to see if Locky is spicy enough for her (spoiler: He is not), and Irena, a nurse hoping her cheesy pick-up lines about hearts skipping a beat will win her a rose.
Nicole, a dancer, has heard of something called ‘peacocking’ but has misinterpreted it and arrived dressed as an actual peacock, which she hopes will make her stand out (spoiler: it does).
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Thought 2020 needed some spicing up, and what better way to do that than trying my luck on @TheBachelorAU. Catch me shaking my tail feather down the red carpet this Wednesday at 7.30 on @channel10au. 🌹 P.s. No birds were harmed in the making of this outfit.
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We meet a woman who has brought a dog with her, a woman with a blackboard, a woman dressed as a penguin, and a woman who has organised a loud drum procession.
There are always clues in the first episode that tell us who to look out for, and this season they lack the subtlety of Nicole’s outfit.
Leilani, Maddy and Marlaina are all ones to watch, but Bella, a soft-spoken, doe-eyed brunette, is the only woman so far who has given Locky butterflies.
Osher, our beloved Bachelor patriarch and host, introduces the coveted triple rose, which guarantees the recipient a single date, a group date and one-on-one time with Locky in the Bach-pad.
And it turns out that peacocking works, because Nicole – in all her Carmen Miranda glory – takes out best in show and snags the uber-rose.
It’s not a Bach party without a villain
Along with introducing us to all the ladies vying for Locky’s heart, the first episode also sets out our newest Bachelor villains, and apparently this season has a surplus.
Areeba needs Australia to know she is a boss.
“I’m a boss at home, I’m a boss at work and I’m a boss at relationships.”
Laura loves the finer things in life (but not Bali, where Locky spends six months of the year) and wants us to know she is a snob.
“I’m a snob.”
And while Areeba and Laura would make well-rounded villains this season, the producers have given us the gift of a trifecta (because they know we only watch for the villains anyway).
The stand-out for the 2020 Bachelor villain is Zoe-Clare, a redhead who is insistent that she will not be messed with.
Fireworks erupt when Zoe-Clare’s solo chat with Locky is interrupted by Areeba, who she insists on calling ‘Abracadabra’.
In addition to the racist micro-aggressions towards Areeba, Zoe-Clare (who is clearly intoxicated and suddenly adamant that she is being targeted because of her “complexion”), delivers one of the biggest meltdowns in Australian Bachelor history.
“I don’t want to go through this feeling different because of the colour of my hair,” she sobs, despite admitting nobody has ever mentioned anything about her hair.
In true Bachelor form, all the villains get roses and Locky sends home Nadine and Paige, who were pictured for the first time as they were leaving.
Notably, Zoe-Clare was absent from the rose ceremony because, according to Osher, she had “taken ill,” (read: puking her guts up).
And all this on the first night. Who said 2020 was done with chaos?