Entertainment TV Married at First Sight sinks to new lows while reaching new highs
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Married at First Sight sinks to new lows while reaching new highs

Contestant Lauren Huntriss said she was given a "disgusting" edit on the show. Photo: Instagram
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Cheers, bebe! The whole cast of Married at First Sight was brought together for the first time on Wednesday night in what was predictably a delicious, hideous car crash of a dinner party.

Men spent hours doing their hair; booze and gossip flowed. One woman looked like she’d ingested a handful of opioids as an entree, one said she was “honestly having trouble processing my emotions” and –  excellent but predictable – the subject of wife swapping came up.

Loose cannon cross patch Ines said it out loud. She was hot to trot. “I have a feeling this is going to turn into a massive sex party,” she announced.

“If everyone was like, ‘Let’s have a mad orgy’, I wouldn’t be surprised”.

Finally, something juicy!

MAFS got off to such a slow start. In the first week the most we got was verbally abusive brides (“When I say, ‘Don’t speak’ just shut the f–k up”), a Viagra mishap – as awkward as it sounds – grooms who call women “sweetheart” like it’s a compliment and, sure, a 29-year-old virgin groom.

We picked up Matt was a 29-year-old virgin groom because every time he hovered into view, ironing a shirt or thinking about singing a show tune from Aladdin, the voiceover let slip he was a “29-year-old virgin”.

He was a man who was 29 years old and a virgin. Which in the eyes of MAFS producers made him more weird than any other cast member – including those with tattooed cartoon chests, those with phobias about boats in calm water and, well, I could go on and on but I need to go and cut off the electricity.

Of course, Matt is no longer a 29-year-old virgin because as we were told, on Tuesday night during their honeymoon in South Australia’s McLaren Vale, “Champagne wasn’t all Lauren popped”.

Sexy, right? I know I’m geed up. In case it’s too obtuse, Australia got to be voyeuristic while Matt did it with his screen wife. He and Lauren were shown kissing in bed, her on top, before a cutaway to the outside of their hotel.

We heard Matt groaning. Then Lauren saying: “Oh, that feels good”.

It was the creepiest entertainment since Captain and Tennille’s hit Do That To Me One More Time.

Creepier than 1970s duo R & J Stone’s lyrics, “And we do it, every night, every day, every possible way”.

Even creepier than Dr Hook promising that, “When your body’s had enough of me … I’m going to love you a little bit more”.

In a quality field of events, it was a new low for Married at First Sight. And, what are the odds, audiences went mad for it.

The episode was the No.1 show in the country, watched by more than 1.5 million viewers.

And, good for MAFS, it doubled down on the humiliation by showing abandoned bride Elizabeth – whose husband Sam made headlines by saying she was bigger than women he usually dated – constantly eating.

We saw close ups of toaster pizza going down the hatch. Lizzie slumped on the couch spooning Nutella out of a jar. Sitting at a cafe eating and drinking.

Speaking of food, watching the Nine juggernaut is like eating a tin of Quality Street in one sitting. It’s a guilty pleasure, which is super fun at the time, then leaves you uncomfortable and filled with self-loathing.

The casting is genius, the production values high, the twists constant. It’s a perv fest where audiences are addicted to the glossy real-life drama, picking favourites and hating the baddies.

Let’s go out on a high, with Matt and his sexual awakening.

The other blokes crowded around wanting to know about his honeymoon. “Have you let it out or what?” asked smirking Nic. Smooth loser Mike chipped in: “Come on man, give us something to chew here.”

Matt became maybe the first person ever to refuse to stick to the Married at First Sight script. He stayed silent. He stayed classy. He kept things private. We heart Matt.

Nine, meanwhile, tweeted footage of it as “happy hump day”.

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