WARNING: SPOILERS

Stop the boats! There’s a shower of bastards on this week’s Game of Thrones as, at long blooming last, buff blacksmith Gendry is found alive and well.

Last seen rowing the hell away from Dragonstone and the creepy combo of Melisandre and her then King Stannis at the end of season three, everybody’s second-favourite bastard son is right back where he started.

This week’s episode, Eastwatch, reveals him hiding under Queen Cersei’s nose, quietly smiting steel at King’s Landing.

“I thought you might still be rowing,” is Ser Davos’s hilarious greeting.

Continuing the show’s increasingly silly rapid transportations, the Onion Knight smuggled Tyrion into the Red Keep for a tête-à-tête with his brother Jaime, to try and arrange an anti-white walker truce.

Gendry has now been rowed north to join Team Stark-Targaryen. But why the return when the show is rapidly trimming extraneous characters? (We’re still not cool with barb-tongued Olenna’s poisoned Kool-Aid sup by the way.)

If you reckon Gendry’s a shoo-in for the Iron Throne, as the son of former king Robert Baratheon, hold up.

Neither Daenerys Targaryen nor her secret nephew, Jon Snow, need worry. Gendry was always a bastard with no legitimate claim, and Joffrey’s strike against him way back was overkill.

Nope, it’s likely giant, hammer-wielding ally Gendry is in it for his mad skills at swordsmithing. That haul of dragonglass needs to be weaponised for the war to come with the Knight King.

Which brings us neatly to Snow and the show’s shock re-jig of Westerosi history.

The big Westeros family-history reveal

Coming from the unwitting mouth of Gilly at the Citadel, as she pores over old scrolls with Sam, Jon just got a significant ancestry upgrade.

So far, we only technically know that Ned Stark’s sister Lyanna is his true mother. But his claim to the Iron Throne just got turbocharged with the revelation that Dany’s oldest brother Rhaegar annulled his first marriage to Elia, sister of squished skull Oberyn, in favour of a secret second wedding.

That means Rhaegar and Lyanna were legit and their son Jon was never a bastard.

Occurring before the recent feminist progression of Westeros, this means Jon actually has more claim to the throne than Aunt Dany.

Sam Tarly and Gilly confer at the Citadel. Photo: HBO

Viewers received another massive nudge this week. As Dany returned atop Drogon from barbecuing all Jaime’s men who wouldn’t bend the knee − fare thee well Sam’s cuter bro’ Dickon − the winged beast let Jon pet his gnarly nose.

Three dragons, but only two Targaryens to ride them. Or is there?

Fan theories posit the real reason Tywin hated his youngest son is that mad King Aerys impregnated his wife Joanna.

Recall how Tyrion got up close and personal with Dany’s chained dragons Rhaegal and Viserion over in Essos?

Happy families in Westeros after all?

Though watch out for Cersei and Jaime. She might be preggers with his fourth kid and willing to tell all (the witch’s prophecy only gave her three so this one – and probably its mum – ain’t gonna make it), but she also confronts him over meeting Tyrion. “Never betray me again.”

There’s sibling strife at Winterfell too. Littlefinger is poisoning ninja Stark, Arya, leading her to discover the traitorous letter Cersei once forced Sansa to pen.