As Game of Thrones’ penultimate season continues its now rapid march towards its bloody endgame, thirsty fans finally got what they’ve been clamouring for since wildling Ygritte met her pin-cushion fate at the hands of Jon Snow’s bow and arrow.
Except that they didn’t.
And maybe we’ve been fools to think that the King in the North and the Mother of Dragons, Daenerys Targaryen, would fall into each other’s arms when finally brought face-to-face at Dragonstone.
While the books are littered with visions of blue roses commonly held to predict their hook-up and eventual progeny, that would be kinda icky.
Keeping track of the twisty-turny Westerosi family trees is a full-time job − akin to figuring out who is or isn’t eligible to serve as an Australian MP − but in case you’re not following, word to the wise. Dany is Jon’s aunty.
It’s a bloody good job that their long-time-coming meet-cute remains frosty.
Keeping things strictly business, Jon’s only here to negotiate for the right to mine her recently acquired rising damp fixer-upper for its handy haul of buried White Walker-killing dragonglass. He’s definitely not here to bend the knee to the daughter of Mad King Aerys, who strangled a dearly decapitated Ned’s bro and burned the ex-Warden of the North’s father alive.
That betrayal Jon insists negates Winterfell’s historic oath to her house.
Used to the devotion of the slaves she freed over in sunshine state Essos, needless to say Dany’s not hot for Jon’s icy standoff. With her huffily working the “forgive the sins of the father,” line, Jon asks, “Am I your prisoner,” to which she retorts, “not yet”.
Perhaps she’ll grow to like a man who plays hard to get?
For the moment, their chemistry’s nowhere near as hot as Sam’s book swotting ability to cure Dany’s lusty former lapdog Jorah Mormont of greyscale, which means there’s an old flame in play as Ser Jorah makes his way back to his beloved.
Cersei is as poisonous as ever
Incest averted at Dragonstone, it’s brazenly out in the open at King’s Landing.
Remember an unreconstructed Jaime pushed a wall-climbing Bran out of the tallest tower at Winterfell to preserve the secret that he was boffing his sis, the mother of their three (now deceased) kids?
Now, an increasingly unhinged Cersei gives exactly zero sh-ts, allowing a chambermaid to see her in bed with her one-handed Hand of the Queen. This while also making googly eyes at Euron.
Don’t be like Cersei Dany. Cersei is poisonous. Quite literally.
With the psycho pirate delivering his gift of Ellaria Sand and daughter Tyene, another loose end is throttled as Cersei has the pair chained in the dungeon facing each other, then delivering a poisonous kiss to Tyene in revenge for Myrcella.
And we wave goodbye to The Queen of Thorns too, as Jaime pulls off Cersei’s swift one, letting Grey Worm take Casterly Rock while the majority of the Lannister forces conquer Highgarden.
Unlike Cersei, he allows Olenna to drink less agonising poison, but she of the tart barbs enjoys one final sick burn, informing him it was she who poisoned Joffrey.