Adelaide mother-to-be, Maria Digeronimo opens her unborn daughter Valentino’s closet, where she keeps the baby’s wardrobe for her first 14 years.
There are rows and rows of designer clothes and shoes – we’re talking Versace, Burberry, Fendi, Gucci – all with their price tags still attached. Drawers packed with designer baby bottles and dummies. No fakes to be seen.
“I bought up to the age of 14 so then she will be able to get into my clothes,” she smiles.
Welcome to Yummy Mummies – Channel 7’s new show, which starts on Sunday night at 9.30pm.
The four women featured see their pregnant bellies as a fashion accessory and an excuse to receive extravagant “push” presents from their husbands.
Basically, this a show about pampered women with extravagant lifestyles, who shop, drink mocktails and talk a bit of nonsense about having babies.
It’s also one of the most poorly made television series to emerge in Australian television in a very long time.
It’s tedious, relentless and rudderless. There’s no real story – just manufactured moments and fake drama.
Aside from Maria, the mums-to-be are all from Melbourne: model and primary school teacher Lorinska Merrington, real estate agent Rachel Watts and model Jane Scandizzo.
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We first meet them as they parade down an empty street in designer dresses, bellies out.
“Jaws are dropping,” says Rachel. Really? Where?
Lorinska reveals she’s loving sex with her husband, Andrew, as her pregnancy progresses.
“Week 40 – don’t call us. I’ll be busy,” she declares.
She’s invited Jane and Rachel along with her to help her shop for her “push present”.
She spots a $99,000 rare diamond ring and says her husband will be back to buy it for her.
Rachel snorts with laughter, “That bitch better be pushing out a watermelon for that.”
Next, in a pointless plot twist constructed purely for television, Maria invites the Melbourne mums to her baby shower in Adelaide to show them what extravagant living is all about.
Her mother Margherita, who’s allegedly about to turn 60, channels Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous as they plan the baby shower that will be Adelaide’s “most glamorous and best ever”, bitching and fighting all the way.
The Melbourne mums dutifully arrive in Adelaide looking as bemused as the audience about what they’re doing there.
Over a suitably lavish morning tea, Maria reveals she insisted on her partner getting her name tattooed on his arm within a month of meeting him – admitting that it was “branding him” as hers.
She’s into brands, she says, as she shows off her Chanel-themed makeup room.
And so to the endlessly trumpeted, Versace-themed baby shower.
What follows is 90 minutes (including ad breaks) of stretched-out tedium and a supposed cliffhanger about happens next week at the baby shower.
There’s one saving grace. Her name is Jess, the planner employed by the venue where the baby shower is held. She doesn’t once lose her composure while dealing with Maria’s increasingly ridiculous demands.
The audience may have to channel their inner Jess to get through this lot.