Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: PM’s promised anti-corruption commission lost in car pork
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The Ferguson Report: PM’s promised anti-corruption commission lost in car pork

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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ANTI-VAXXERS LENGTHEN THE JABLESS QUEUE

A leading Queensland doctor has claimed anti-vaxxers have been booking GP vaccination appointments with no intention of showing up.

These rebels against health are wasting jabs that could be given to intelligent people.

Anti-vaxxers have released a single to celebrate their non-compliance titled “There’s no business like noshowbusiness.”

Homeopaths said that just booking the appointment is enough to make it work.

ANTI-CORRUPTION COMMISSION LOST IN CAR PORK

1000 days ago, PM Scott Morrison promised a national anti-corruption commission. But he won’t say what he promised it.

“A thousand days?” said the PM, “My, how time flies when you’re procrastinating. Never mind, everything will be all rort.”

A government minister whispered, “What a lovely anti-corruption commission. Wouldn’t it be a terrible shame if something happened to it?”

POST-MATCH INTERVIEW REPEATED BY EVERY SPORTSPERSON EVER

Sports people have issued an apology for repeating the same post-match talking points for years.

An AFL team regrets using confusing metaphors like “digging deep”, “going up the middle corridor” and “groin disappointment”.

Sportspersons apologised for describing their victories as “surreal”. Players are reminded that sport is not an anti-art movement that taps into subconscious dream imagery.

Post-match oxymorons to be avoided: “small crowds,” “real-life fairy tale,” and “pretty ugly”. Rumours that fines will be issued are a definite possibility, a calculated risk and not a deliberate mistake.

Cricketers admitted they overuse the line, “The best team won on the day.” But they refused to explain why, having determined “the best team”, they feel the need to ever play again.

PM’S RAAF JET AVAILABLE FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SEE THEIR FAMILY

Clambering Kabul-style onto his RAAF jet to visit his family, PM Scott Morrison claimed the trip was justified because he is “an essential worker”.

He clarified by saying he doesn’t hold a hose, a bed pan, a defibrillator, a stethoscope, a shelf-stocker, handcuffs, naval telescope, truck license, plane throttle or anything remotely regarded as essential.

EDUCATION MINISTER CLAIMS HISTORY IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Alan ‘Rhymes With‘ Tudge said he is disappointed with the school curriculum’s obsession with historical facts.

Mr Tudge was speaking to triple j, a government radio station marketed as ‘cool’, ‘hip’ and ‘rebellious within guidelines’.

Mr Tudge wants a return to the three R’s. Reading between the lines, re-writing history, and remembering not to remember.

The new curriculum will teach children to sing, “I love a sunburnt country, a land of sweeping it under the carpet.”

In other news …

  • CRIMINAL FOOLS POLICE LINE-UP BY WEARING DIFFERENT FACEMASK
  • UNCOOL CUCUMBER SHUNNED
  • ROADKILL CHEF CRUISES MAJOR ARTERIES FOR MAJOR ARTERIES
  • “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD” WISHES TO BE KNOWN AS “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DEALING WITH PERSONAL ISSUES”
  • EMAIL URGING “LAST CHANCE!! LAST CHANCE!!!” MAY NOT BE LAST CHANCE

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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