Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Hydroxychloroquine also can’t stop Craig Kelly’s spam
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The Ferguson Report: Hydroxychloroquine also can’t stop Craig Kelly’s spam

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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CRAIG KELLY JOINS SPAMELOT

Craig Kelly MP has sent everyone a text message which can’t be unsubscribed, replied to, or shouted at.

Doctors warn that Mr Kelly’s texts cannot be stopped by hydroxychloroquine.

Anti-vaxxers recommend dropping your phone into a bucket of horse tranquiliser and shouting, “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

The new United Australia Party jingle is “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam …”

Mr Kelly now represents Clive Palmer’s United Division of Dividing Australia Equally Between Clive.

The renegade MP has left the government benches to sit on the naughty boys’ bench. This has reduced the Morrison government to an overwhelming majority of zero.

Asked if Kelly has any plan to re-join the Liberals, a spokeswoman said, “Craig needs the Liberal Party about as much as a Queenslander needs a facemask in a pandemic.”

PARALYMPICS JUMP FINAL HURDLE

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has suddenly announced that Paralympic medal winners will suddenly receive the same cash rewards as Olympians since the first Paralympic Games in 1948, suddenly.

During Parliament’s Long Overdue Awkward Question Time, a government MP said, “It bears proof of our ability to run the nation … sorry … walk the nation … sorry … hobble the nation!”

The Labor Party and Greens said they were going to get around to it as soon as it had been mentioned to them for the thousandth time.

STRIKE UP THE TALIBAND

Afghanistan’s newly unelected Taliban leaders have promised to be a kinder, gentler gaggle of bloodthirsty creeps.

The Taliban have promised not to repress women. But they mentioned nothing about depress, suppress or oppress.

In shocking but unsurprising news, the Taliban has lost its role in the next dystopian series of The Handmaid’s Tale. At the last minute, the US Supreme Court has given the role to Texas, proving everything’s bigger in Texas except feminism.

Public apathy toward Afghan refugees has meant most humanitarian aid donations have been dribbling in, according to the Salivation Army.

A Taliban tyranniser said, “We don’t need land mines anymore because the land’s mine!”

But another group aiming to rule Afghanistan is the boy band, ISIS K-Pop.

Their hit songs:

  • ‘I Wish They All Could Be Calico-Covered Girls’
  • ‘I Kissed A Goat And I Think I Liked It’

In other news …

  • LAB RAT INDENTIFIES AS GUINEA PIG
  • VEGAN ADMITS HE BECAME A VEGAN JUST TO SLEEP WITH THAT OTHER VEGAN
  • WITH EVERYBODY STAYING HOME ALL THE TIME, BURGLARS DEMAND JOBKEEPER
  • GOVT POSTPONES CLIMATE EMERGENCY DUE TO BAD WEATHER

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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