Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: PM’s long-running farce Four Weddings and a Zoom Funeral
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The Ferguson Report: PM’s long-running farce Four Weddings and a Zoom Funeral

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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SCOMO REDUCED TO USING CROOD LANGUAGE

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has compared lockdown to the cave-dwellers animated kids’ movie, The Croods because only a kid would believe it.

Morrison told Australians, ‘We can’t stay in the cave!’ as if lockdown was our idea.

A man who voted for Scott Morrison left his cave. He was arrested and fined.

The PM has been accused of cavemansplaining.

The Croods are hairy homebodies who’d rather stay at home watching Netflixstones and ordering Yabba-Dabba-Uber-Eats.

The government is filming new lockdown movies:

  • Mad Vax — Beyond Comprehension
  • Terminated Vaccinator — Bad Judgement Day
  • The Year Of Living Temporarily
  • 4 Weddings and a Zoom Funeral

STREET MARCHERS NOT MARCH CHOP

Last weekend in Melbourne and Sydney, crowds of protesters screamed at police and let off flares before being given hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of fines.

But it wasn’t all good news.

Right-wing extremist protesters feel they’ve been delta hard blow. “We have a lot in lowest common denominator.”

The Alt-Wrong Nazi Nuts marched in a prickly-headed panty line. One chanted between coughing fits, “If we shout loud enough, we’ll reach heard immunity.”

Pro-lockdown protesters who stayed at home protesting could not be happier with the super-spreading result of the anti-lockdown march.

The NSW Police Commissioner increased fines for ‘health disobedience’ to $5000. He said, “We have to shape the behaviour of people.”

Australian behaviour is normally the shape of a stiff middle finger.

WOKE UP JEFF

Open-shut-minded MP Matt Canavan has complained the new Wiggles’ diverse cast needs more old white men.

“You go woke, you go broke,” he said sleepily.

A National Party spokesheep asked, “Why do the Wiggles want to be the same colours as their worldwide audience? No… wait…”

She condemned the release of the new Woke Wiggles songs, ‘Political Hot Potato’ and ‘Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Tesla’.

CRAIG KELLY & CLIVE PALMER DIVIDE THE UNITED AUSTRALIA PARTY BETWEEN THEM

Liberal-turned-Independent-turned-Face-Palmer Craig Kelly MP has quit the government to work with Clive Palmer on COVID cure ivermectin and other disinfectants.

Kelly said, “I believe we will have massive support,” as he stood beside Clive Palmer wearing a massive support.

Craig and Clive plan to put Queensland back on the map. About a thousand kilometres to the right of Australia.

In other news …

  • UNI STUDENT OFFENDED BY ANY COMEDY CONTAINING HUMOUR
  • FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN IRONICALLY WINS DARWIN AWARD
  • VACCINE SCEPTIC WORRIED THAT GOD CREATED COVID AND VACCINE AS AN INTELLIGENCE TEST
  • IF ALL GOES WELL, BYRON BAY LOCKDOWN WILL BE PERMANENT

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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