Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Lots of cock-and-Kabul excuses for the Afghan exit
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The Ferguson Report: Lots of cock-and-Kabul excuses for the Afghan exit

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Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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AUSTRALIA DECLARES ‘INTERMISSION ACCOMPLISHED’

Australia has jumped on the Talibandwagon out of Afghanistan safe in the knowledge we’ll be back there soon.

The Taliban are full-balls/empty-head forehead-slappers who believe God is on their side though He hasn’t mentioned it to anyone.

Presumably, God always chooses the team with the fewest fans and the worst reputation for hooliganism.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison pledged that 3000 Afghan refugees will be welcomed to Australia, so long as they arrive by bus.

A government spokeswoman said, “We have not followed other countries in outlining a long-term humanitarian commitment because that would mean outlining a long-term humanitarian commitment.”

Morrison prefers Christian refugees, or as he calls them, refujesus.

The government is planning on sending a mandatory humanitarian unit composed of the unemployed called Dole Bludgers Without Doctors.

MAN WAS KEPT ALIVE BY VACCINES LONG ENOUGH TO REFUSE THIS PARTICULAR VACCINE

A vaccine-hesitant, antibody-reluctant man who describes himself as “bravely gullible” claims a lifetime of vaccination has made him pointlessly paranoid.

Speaking from his backyard bunker beer-fridge he said, “After a lifetime of vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, polio, whooping cough, diphtheria, tetanus, meningococcal, pneumococcal, rotavirus, hepatitis B and chickenpox, I have to have the Pfizer? It makes me sick (but not literally)”.

DUTTON TO DECLARE

As Australians momentarily feel sympathy for a foreign country, the government has put its best flatfoot forward with former Queensland policeman and sensitivity specialist Peter Dutton.

Dutton accused former Afghan interpreters who worked with Australia of lacking loyalty. An Afghan stranded in Kabul agreed as he watched the Australians fly away. “You can’t trust anyone these days.”

Dutton said critics of the Morrison government’s response are “lounge chair experts”.

This offended the Greens who identify as “beanbag experts”.

Dutton said some rejected Afghan family groups included “males of fighting age”. He ordered the immediate expulsion from Australia of all six-year-old boys.

The government claims they shouldn’t be blamed for fumbling our exit from Kabul, soon to be known as Kaboom. “If only we’d had 20 years to plan for this!”

The PM could not be found for comment. He was deep in conference with a burning bush.

In other news …

  • AMERICA MAINTAINS PERFECT RECORD OF SUCCESSFULLY STARTING WARS THEY DON’T WIN
  • GENERATION ‘ALPHA’ WISH TO BE KNOWN AS ‘GENERATION Y BOTHER’
  • BRISBANE OLYMPICS TO INCLUDE ABUSE HURLING
  • SLEEPING DOG LIES THROUGH CANINES
  • ANTI-VAXXER ARRESTED FOR BEING OFF HIS FACEMASK

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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