Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Pain-in-the-AZ vaccine rollout is a total Pfizzer
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The Ferguson Report: Pain-in-the-AZ vaccine rollout is a total Pfizzer

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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VACCINE ROLLOUT IS A PFIZZER

The government has admitted that their vaccine rollout is a pain in the AZ.

To distract from rolling up the rollout, Prime Minister Scott Morrison is launching a new campaign to show he is a normal bloke, as if that’s a good thing.

A government spokesman who once saw a real man said, “This little-piggy-went-to-marketing campaign features real-bloke footage of Scomotion scratching himself, squinting and squeezing a quiet one into the couch.”

“We also have the Prime Minister asking, ‘Will someone please give me a straight answer – how good is Australia, really?’

VACCINE-HESITANT AUSSIES OFFERED $300 TO STOP MAKING LAME EXCUSES

The Labor Party is offering everyone who gets a jab $300 cash. They haven’t mentioned that during lockdown, businesses are only accepting card payments.

A spokescentrist was heard to mutter, “Anyone who thinks $300 is a shot in the arm in this financial climate is kidding themselves.”

The Labor Party has also announced that anyone who doesn’t hoard toilet paper will have their slate wiped clean.

SKY NEWS VERSUS THE NERDTOCRACY

YouTube has restricted Sky News Australia’s channel for a week as part of a crackdown on COVID ‘misinformation’. As if that will fix the problem.

YouTube is a gargantuan American smorgasbord of all-you-can-nibble tidbits, an engorged cultural sushi train to nowhere perpetuated by an anonymous daisy-chain of Silicon Valley thought bubbles.

It brings you socially responsible videos like Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man, Toilet Flushing Compilation 18 and Man Eats Watermelon Fast. But not Craig Kelly MP.

YouTube wants us to believe the universe is cat videos all the way down.

And it knows what is best for us … more screen time.

YouTube reckons Sky After Quack might convince us to refuse a jab and instead reach for the chlorine and floor cleaner, even if the floor cleaner’s not in the mood.

But we must resist having our screens cleaned by this unelected Californian nerdtocracy.

YouTube! The freedom of speech implies the freedom to listen to misinformation, so long as it’s misinformative enough.

Sky News! We may disapprove of what you say, but we will defend to the death your right to scream it into your pillow.

To paraphrase German theologian Martin Niemoller, “First they came for the dingbats. And I did not speak out because I was not a dingbat. Then they came for the anti-vaxxers. And I did not speak out because I was not a gullible brain-wide-shut paranoid who blames vaccines for making my kids stupid. Then they came for me which was nice because no one visits me since I went down the rabbit hole.”

In other news …

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  • NEEDY GLUTTON FOUND WANTING
  • LIBERAL PARTY BETTER THAN LABOR PARTY AT BOTTOMLESS DEBT-SPIRAL
  • USUAL SUSPECT FOUND TO BE UNUSUAL
  • SHAMED OLYMPIC RUGBY PLAYERS APOLOGISE FOR BEHAVING LIKE RUGBY PLAYERS

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson