Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Special ‘worldwide rally for freedom from my family’ edition
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The Ferguson Report: Special ‘worldwide rally for freedom from my family’ edition

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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FREEDOM MARCH UNITES FASCISTS, COMMUNISTS & WELLNESS EXPERTS

Last Saturday, the extreme left, extreme right and extremely bored marched to stop the nation. But the nation had already stopped.

The protesters included:

  • Anti-vaxxers enjoying their last gasp
  • Conspiracy theorists who protest facemasks by wearing Guy Fawkes facemasks
  • Wellness experts brandishing homeopathic remedies described as ‘dangerously ineffective’
  • Far-right and far-left extremists who’ve argued since Hitler and Stalin broke up. (Stalin kept losing arguments by calling Hitler a ‘Nazi’).
  • Baptists held placards saying “I Believe In God Not Vaccines”. They insist God did not create the vaccines, though it would seem a timely solution to the problem. It’s complicated.
  • People with too much time on their hands and not enough needle marks in their arms.
  • Parents Without Pastimes
  • Doctors Without Bordering on the Ridiculous
  • Extinction Reunion.

A protester walking backwards said, “It’s wonderful to join forces with people I normally wouldn’t be seen dead with.”

Ironically, they soon may be.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE POLICE HORSE

The New Daily secured an interview with the police horse at the centre of the alleged horse-punch mullet-cut hashtag.

TND: Were you punched?

HORSE: No. I started it. When I see a fist in the air, I can’t help bashing my mouth against it.

TND: Will the police get their revenge?

HORSE: No. The people to worry about are 12-year-old girls who love ponies.

The march was a showcase for the World Stallion Punching Championships to be held at the Brisbane Olympics in 2032.

NEXT FREEDOM MARCH WILL PERILOUSLY VERGE ON INTERESTING

Marching hipsters, bovver boys and vegan twig-chompers are planning another flash in the pandemic.

But anti-lockdown protest organisers (who swear they’re not Russian hackers) have warned these marches are “honeypot traps” set by police. Because the cops have nothing better to do, like watch the Olympics on telly.

Their new chant will be:

What do we want?
Freedom!
When do we want it?
Just after they arrest us!

A gamer said, “We are answering the call of duty by pausing Call Of Duty.”

New banners will appear:

“Not Drowning, Waiving Our Responsibility”
“We Shall Not Be Moved – Emotionally”
“We Shall Overexaggerate”

Defence Minister Peter Dutton-Dressed-As-Dutton confirmed 300 Army personnel have been sent into Sydney to give the protesters a taste of real autocracy.

In other news …

  • CHANGE.ORG PETITION SIGNED BY MAN WHO HAS TIME TO SIGN CHANGE.ORG PETITIONS
  • NATION SHOCKED TO LEARN SCOTT MORRISON DOESN’T WEAR HELMET AND HI-VIS JACKET AT HOME
  • LEGUME FOUND WITHOUT PULSE PRONOUNCED DEAD
  • FREEDOM MARCHER ARRESTED FOR PUNCHING ABOVE HIS HIGH HORSE

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson