Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson star in Amazon Virgins In Space!
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The Ferguson Report: Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson star in Amazon Virgins In Space!

ferguson report
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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It’s the 200th edition of The Ferguson Report!

Thank you so much to all the readers and The New Daily for your support and snickers!

BEZOS & BRANSON ACHIEVE THE POSSIBLE:  ‘AMAZON VIRGINS IN SPACE!’

The 1950s B-grade movie Amazon Virgins In Space! has been remade with two middle-aged billionaires thankfully not wearing miniskirts.

They promise space travel will soon be available to all middle-aged billionaires.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos plans to create Amazon Space Tourism. Customers will be tightly bound in bubblewrap, stuffed into tubes and left at Australia Post for pick up.

Virgin’s Richard Branson was too old to join the 66-mile-high club.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk was busy having a long launch.

These days, it’s easier to get a flight into space than a flight to Melbourne.

LOCK DOWN, SCREW UP

With 13.5 million Aussies in lockdown, the Prime Minister has apologised, “I’m sorry that you’re sorry that I’m not sorry.”

A government spokesman looking for sharp objects in Parliament House said, “He’s more than willing to be crucified on the crossbench.”

The PM offered an olive branch to voters. He suggests they use the olive branch to feed their families.

Australians are under heavy restrictions including:

No snuggling

No breathing

And the hardest one for any Australian: no whingeing

IN BED WITH THE GREENS IS A LABOR OF LOVE

Greens leader Adam Bandt is considering joining parties with the Labor Party to share powerlessness.

Insiders say the plan is doomed to succeed.

A Greenskeeper saving the planet one tut-tut at a time said, “Ninety percent of Australians regularly vote against the Greens. We’re popular with unpopular people.”

A bureaucritic quipped, “Red and Green should never be seen, without a dual-party-impartial-nonpartisan-partition-policy in between.”

If the deal goes ahead, Labor will be marching to a different beat. Left – Left – Left – Left – Left.

‘THE RAPTURE’ HAPPENED TO ONE PERSON ONLY

The Rapture, when all God’s true believers are raised to Heaven, happened last week.

To the disappointment of millions, (there’s one born-again every minute) only one person has floated up to Heaven.

A vegan of Wagga Wagga was deemed the only person alive who had lived without sin. He never did or said anything of any interest to anyone and disapproved of everything all the time.

And he showered in his underwear.

In other news …

  • FOOL AND MONEY RECONCILED
  • OLYMPICS IN BRISBANE! BRONZE! BRONZE! BRONZE!
  • KATIE HOPKINS HIRED AND FIRED FOR DOING HER JOB
  • SYDNEY LOCKDOWN WAY WORSE THAN MELBOURNE’S (IF YOU LIVE IN SYDNEY)
  • PM STANDS IN WHAT HE STANDS FOR

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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