Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Socially distanced sex is the latest Olympic sport
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The Ferguson Report: Socially distanced sex is the latest Olympic sport

Tim Feguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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OLYMPICS ON HEAT

Instead of face masks, Olympics organisers are giving athletes condoms.

About 160,000 condoms will be given to athletes, mostly to losers who get knocked out in early heats and no longer need their essential bodily fluids.

Using small words even a swimmer can understand, an Olympic official said, “We strongly advise ‘safe sex’ while avoiding ‘unnecessary forms of physical contact’.”

“To avoid physical contact while having sex, athletes are advised to use condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. Instructions are on the packet.”

More than 80 per cent of Japanese people oppose hosting the events amid the COVID pandemic for some reason.

But the threat of deadly mass infection is outgunned by the games’ exhaustively repetitive running, jumping, catching, kicking and, most importantly, curling.

Maintaining a 1.5 metre distance during sex is now an Olympic sport.

THE FROG, THE SCORPION AND THE FOREIGN MINISTER

Hundreds of Afghanistan citizens who worked for Australia’s crucial ‘hearts & minds’ projects have been refused a visa because they were subcontracted, not directly employed by Australia.

The Department of Foreign Affairs And Trade-Offs (DFAT) sent them a letter.

“Honestly, we can’t believe you fell for this one. If you have complaints, take them up with your Taliban social worker.”

Meanwhile, DFAT are producing a new puppet show, The Frog And The Scorpion.

SCORPION: Carry me across the river.

FROG: No, you will sting me!

SCORPION: I promise I won’t.

*The frog carries the scorpion across the river. Whereupon the scorpion stings the frog.*

FROG: You said you wouldn’t sting me!

SCORPION: I know, but I’m a scorpion, it’s my nature.

Director’s notes: The scorpion is DFAT. The frog is out of its heart and mind. The river is the Taliban.

The Foreign Minister wishes to remain shameless.

FOUR STEP PLAN TO ‘NORMAL’

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced a four-step plan.

STEP 1. Say you have a plan which is the same plan you’ve always had even when you didn’t have a plan.

STEP 2. Deny you just said that.

STEP 3. Put the plan into action or a garbage bin.

STEP 4. Announce another four step plan.

LIBS FIX THEIR ‘WOMEN PROBLEM’ WITH MORE MEN

Female Liberal MPs are surprised that the contest to replace Andrew Laming MP was won by a man.

Their surprise is surprising.

Tasmanian Liberal Bridget Archer said the Liberals could “do better”, presumably by choosing another man.

A Liberal Party spokesman upskirted around the issue. “We reject gender quotas, especially for women.”

In other news …

  • MISSING STENCIL ARTIST LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE
  • NINJA FAILS TO MAKE FIRST IMPRESSION
  • GAY MARRIAGE NOW KNOWN AS ‘HOMO-NORMATIVE’
  • ARTS STUDENT IN CENTRELINK QUEUE SAYS “IT TAUGHT ME HOW TO THINK!”

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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