PM SHAFTING THE GOALPOSTS
Twelve million Australians are in lockdown. The PM blames this on “forces outside my control”, such as Queensland, Victoria, WA, NSW, SA, NT and Tasmania.
The Blame Games will now take place at AstraZeneca Stadium.
Only 8 percent of Australians are now fully vaccinated. A Health Department spokeswoman said, “8 percent only looks bad if you compare it to 9 percent.”
The Prime Minister ordered mandatory vaccinations, but only to those wishing to be mandatorily vaccinated.
The Minister for Health has called for liniment to be rubbed all over the Delta strain.
Scott Morrison is rumoured to be attending a new church, Downhillsong.
REPORT BLAMES BABIES FOR BEING UNEMPLOYED
The latest Intergenerational Report warns Australians’ average incomes will be $32,000 lower than projected. The economist who made the projections was given a pay rise.
Treasurer Josh Frydenburned said, “We need to pursue microeconomic reform.”
But the Prime Minister’s Office shot back. “We have been pursuing economic reform – on a micro level.”
The Report blames “bottle-bludging babies”. But the Business Council of Australia said, “Employing small children is impossible. Apartment buildings don’t have chimneys.”
Economic experts are calling for a generation gap year, with no babies being born between now and 2061, the savings to then be used on medical expenses for the ageing population.
Baby Boomers have sold the farm to pay for Generation X, who are still trying to buy the farm back for the Millennials, who can’t even afford a free farm for Generation Y, who claim farming contains dairy.
Consequently, Generation ‘Alpha’ wishes to be known as ‘Generation Y Bother’.
Pauline Hanson is unconcerned, claiming future generations can simply print more bitcoins.
CATS AND DOGS FLYING TOGETHER. MASS HYSTERIA!
The Civil Aviation Safety Authority will soon allow pets in the cabin of aeroplanes.
Hollywood is planning a terrifying horror movie, “Cats On A Plane“.
Business Class will be expanded for cats who’ll refuse to fly Economy.
Kosher, Vegan, Lacto-Vegetarian meals will be provided for Spoodles and Labradoodles.
Tiger Airlines have announced tigers can travel half fare. “When we say our cabin crews provide meals, we mean it.”
The animals will be sedated so as to let sleeping dogs lie.
Extra legroom will be provided for knee humping.
All the airlines agree pigs won’t fly.
In other news …
- ACTIVISTS PLANNING WORLD’S MOST-IGNORED CLIMATE MARCH
- BUILDER COMPLETES JOB ON TIME & ON BUDGET!
- NEW GAME OF THRONES SERIES STAR CLAIMS “ALL THE GOODIES SURVIVE” BEFORE EXPLAINING “THERE ARE NO GOODIES”
- NEW ANTI-DISCRIMINATION LAW DECLARES BEGGARS CAN NOW BE CHOOSERS
- CONSERVATIVE THINKER ADMITS NEW IDEAS ARE NOT HIS STRONG POINT
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson