Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Toddlers up in arms as ministers outsource parenting
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The Ferguson Report: Toddlers up in arms as ministers outsource parenting

Tim Feguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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RECONSTITUTED JOYCE

Fresh as a doozy Nationals leader, Barnaby ‘Jump For’ Joyce has hit the ground running, with his fists.

Joyce has restored calm with a can of petrol and a blowtorch. After less than a week, the stress has made Barnaby’s face move erratically with a Joyce Tick.

Country voters rejoiced that coal mines will keep warming the planet, saving farmers the costs of outdoor heating.

Barnaby Joyce and Scott Morrison agree on everything. But they disagree on everything else.

BABY TALK

According to a Liquor Cabinet member at a party room meeting, a government MP claimed working women are “outsourcing parenting”.

The Liberal MP Hollie Hughes shot back. “Thank you, boys, for telling us how to best raise our children.”

“Happy to help,” said the government MP.

Hollie Hughes chose another target. “Not all of us want to sit at home with our three-month-old watching Bluey,” she said, offending every parent with a three-month-old who watches Bluey.

Toddlers are up in arms – their parent’s arms. They have called for the voting age to be lowered to eight months, and free crayons be provided at all voting cribs.

SYDNEY/MELBOURNE RIVALRY HITS SCORCHING ROOM TEMPERATURE

In a drastic COVID tactic reflecting inter-city rivalry, Melbourne has banned people from Sydney.

Unfortunately, Sydney didn’t realise that Melbourne was a thing.

‘POST-WOKE ERA’ KNOWN AS ‘SLEEP’

Woke specialists, known as “complete and utter Wokers”, insist upon new guidelines that are raising eyebrows past the back of their head.

A Wokeperson said, “Actors should only play roles if they share the character’s gender, race or sexual identity.”

An actor sighed in relief. “This takes all the pressure off having to act. I’ll only accept roles that are bi-curious females with Swedish/Kenyan/Japanese heritage.”

A Eurasian-African-Anglo actor said, “No one without mixed heritage could understand the pain of being conceived in a multicultural society.”

A gay actor confessed he is not quite sure how to act gay. “I haven’t experienced the full spectrum of gayness because I don’t play rugby or drive a semi-trailer.”

Screen funding bodies have new Bespoke Bewokelines:

  • Animated characters must use their own voices.
  • Historical figures must be played by the actual historical figures.
  • Sci-fi filmmakers must use real wookies, ewoks or very talented koalas.

In other news …

  • IDENTITY POLITICS ARE ALL THE SAME
  • PROUD CABINET MINISTER CAN RECITE TODAY’S TALKING POINTS SIX TIMES IN A ROW WITHOUT TAKING A BREATH
  • JOKE MAKES READER SNORT COFFEE. NOW HE’S HOOKED.
  • EXPLOSIVE DYSLEXIC THROWS FUEL ON THE FOYER

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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