Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Rear-view visionary Scott Morrison pledges to take Australia backwards
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The Ferguson Report: Rear-view visionary Scott Morrison pledges to take Australia backwards

Tim Feguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SQUIRM

The Australian Air Force claims its new Space Division is not about “the militarisation of space”, which is why it’s being run by the Air Force.

“In space, there is no air,” said a spokestranaut, “so we won’t do much damage.”

Defensive Minister Peter Dutton-Doin’ said building space weapons will be “cheap at a trillionth of the price!”

Australia has joined nations like the US, China and Russia to protect us from militarist nations (like the US, China and Russia).

They plan to launch a fleet of satellites to keep an eye on space debris. They’ve obviously failed to see the gravity of the situation.

In charge of our Space Division are Captain D Vader (no relation) and General L Skywalker (no more ‘relations’ with his close relations).

UNIVERSITY STUDENT FORGOT TO PROTEST THE AFGHANISTAN WAR

University students have been so busy protesting everything, they forgot there was an actual war on. And now it’s over.

A woke activist doing non-gender studies said, “We were confused because the war crimes committed by our soldiers in Afghanistan were diverse and all-inclusive. We now realise that was a bad thing.”

Uni students are planning on migrating to Afghanistan now that the Western imperialist white male troops are leaving, claiming it will be a “safe space”.

They are marching under a new slogan, “Make Platitudes, Not War.”

GOVT SAYS VISION IS NOT A THING

The federal government has offered no vision for moving Australia forward because someone could trip and hurt themselves.

“Moving forward, we will not be moving forward,” said PM Scott Morrison, a rear-view visionary.

“Vision is dangerous – it can expose holes in arguments,” said a wetbackbencher.

Recent polls show Australians want more of the same, less of the other, and a bit on the side. As usual.

“If Australians want vision, why do we wear sunglasses?” said a spokeswoman fumbling for a light switch. She found it and switched it off.

In other news …

  • DISAPPOINTING ELON MUSK PERFUME CONTAINS MUSK WITH A HINT OF ELON
  • BRAVE INVERTEBRATE SHOWS A BIT OF BACK BONE
  • NEW iPHONE IS SO SENSITIVE IT COMES WITH A DON’T TOUCH SCREEN
  • YOUNG LIBERALS CALL AUSTRALIAN OLYMPIC TEAM, ASK FOR THEIR UNIFORMS BACK
  • WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST” HAS BEEN CHANGED TO “CRICKETERS FIRST. EVERYONE ELSE STAY ON THE BOUNDARIES.

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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