Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Entering Byron Bay! Empty your mind thoughtfully
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The Ferguson Report: Entering Byron Bay! Empty your mind thoughtfully

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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BYRON BAY CAUGHT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCERS

Byron Bay residents are protesting against Byron Baes, a new reality TV series at risk of showing reality.

Locals claim the show will paint them as mushie-eating, fluoride-fearing, butt-bleachers because they are. “We don’t want to lose face, we’d rather be off it.”

Netflix describes Byron Baes as a “docu-soap”.

“Docu? Docu? Doc you, too,” said a hippy surfer with Byron Brain. “We’re offended by anything that combines us with soap.”

The series has been described as a “love letter to Byron Bay”, complete with spelling errors, cardboard filter and a warning to “Empty Your Mind Thoughtfully”.

Byron Bay has become popular with superstar actors like Matt Damon.

“Matt Damon,” said Matt Damon.

MILKSHAKE CONSENT VIDEO CHUCKED WITHOUT ITS PERMISSION

The government has withdrawn videos aimed to stop young people in milk bars smearing ice cream on each other.

A spokeswoman said, “It’s difficult to make videos about sexual consent without mentioning the words ‘sexual’, ‘consent’ or ‘duh’.”

Another video involving a macadamia-raspberry ice cream log with sprinkles has been deemed unfit for human consumption.

Meanwhile, young people asked, “What’s a milk bar?”

LABOR’S NEW COAL POLICY : “PUSH ME – PULL THE OTHER ONE”

The Labor Party has done its best to straddle the twin streams of tub-thumping with coal miners and canoodling with inner-city twaddle tweeters living off the naturally renewing electricity at their parents’ place.

But Madeline King MP brought Labor’s delicate pogo-dance to a screeching whirlygig. She backed Anthony Albanese’s commitment to net-zero emissions by 2050 while promising coal exports “beyond the middle of the century”.

A Labor spokeswoman explained, “We promise net-zero emissions in 2050, but only for a split second.”

Meanwhile, Malcolm Turnbull has called for a moratorium on new coalmines in the Hunter Valley as they might impact the local chardonnay socialist industry.

WORLD LEADERS AGREE ‘EARTH-DAY’ LEAVES 364 ‘NON-EARTH’ DAYS

PM Scott Morrison zoomed world leaders at the Earth Day Doom & Gloom Zoom.

Sco-Pony explained the difference between setting goals and acting in the global interest by doing neither.

“This helps Australia keep a foot in both camps, and our head in the sand.”

World leaders expressed relief that the Doomsday Clock has been put on ‘snooze’.

In other news …

  • OSCAR AWARDS LIMITED TO ‘DIVERSE’ AND ‘INCLUSIVE’ ONLY
  • DELUDED OSCAR NOMINEE REALLY IS HAPPY JUST TO BE NOMINATED
  • BLEAK OSCAR-NOMINATED DRAMA SO DARK THE AUDIENCE THOUGHT THE PROJECTOR HAD BROKEN
  • SCOTT MORRISON LIMITS PFIZER VACCINE TO UNDER-50s AND SCOTT MORRISON
  • VEGAN CHOKES SWALLOWING PRIDE

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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