Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Governor-General denies twerking hard for his money
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The Ferguson Report: Governor-General denies twerking hard for his money

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PM PASSES THE CLUSTERBUCK

PM Scott Morrison has blamed the States for blaming the Media for blaming You for blaming Scott Morrison. The buck has been passed so often it’s passed out.

After overpromising on vaccine delivery, ‘ScoGlobe’ is now overpromising to underdeliver.

A government spokeswoman said, “Think of us as an Uber delivery that keeps telling you it’s ‘Five minutes away’ without specifying what it’s five minutes away from or what it’s delivering.”

GOVERNOR-GENERAL DENIES TWERKING HARD FOR HIS MONEY

Governor-General Whatsisname (come on, don’t Google it, what’s his name?) has denied Twerking at the commissioning ceremony for the HMAS Supply.

He blamed the ABC’s editing for giving the mistaken impression that he was doing anything of interest anywhere anytime.

Defence Minister Peter Dutton has instructed the Chief of Navy in the future to only hire twerking dance troupes for funerals and Parliament House parties.

BERNIE MADOFF GETS DEATH BUT NO TAXES

Bernie Madoff, creator of the world’s biggest Ponzi scheme, has died after being at debts door for quite some time.

He left in his will a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity. But you have to act now!!!

Bernie wanted to give something back, so he left his cheating heart to science.

The world’s biggest Ponzi scheme is now the Australian housing market.

ASTRAZENECA PERFECTLY SAFE, UP TO A NEEDLE POINT

The investigation into the AstraZeneca vaccine’s link with blood-clotting is racing at government speed.

PM Morrison has limited the vaccine to old people, which has nothing to do with their tendency to watch the ABC.

The plan is to vaccinate the population only after essential workers, the aged and the cows come home.

The clot thickens …

AMERICA TURNS DOWN ITS HEAVY MEDDLE

US President Joe Biden has announced America’s withdrawal from Afghanistan. The withdrawn troops will be replaced by more shy and withdrawn troops.

Biden declared “peace in overtime” and gave George W Bush a Pointless Pre-Emptive Participation award.

After 20 years fighting the Taliban, America arranged the orderly handover of Afghanistan to the Taliban.

“America is proud of what we didn’t accomplish,” said a White House spokeswoman. “It’s the war to end all wars until the next one.”

Meanwhile, the Australian government agreed to follow the US into their next unwinnable wrangle. We promised to leave our soldiers’ body-cams at home.

In other news …

  • GREENIE PREFERS NATURAL GASLIGHTING
  • CONSPIRACY THEORIST WISHES HE HADN’T STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT THE PRACTICALITIES
  • TRIPLE-J VOTED ”COOLEST STATION FUNDED BY GOVERNMENT”
  • GEN-Z CALLS LAST WEEK “THE OLDEN DAYS”

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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