Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: PM gives Andrew Laming empathy training wheels
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The Ferguson Report: PM gives Andrew Laming empathy training wheels

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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THE LAMING OF THE STEW

The Morrison government is majorly avoiding minority government by nobbling itself with disgraced lame duckface, Andrew Laming MP.

Shaming Laming has been downgraded to forcing him to undergo empathy training, while maintaining his salary plus benefits (like empathy training wheels).

As in any business in which an employee behaves as badly as he has, Laming was shown the door.

Laming liked the door very much. Insiders hoped he wouldn’t photograph its up-skirtingboards.

Morrison has soft-shoe reshuffled his Cabinet, replacing his best people with his very best next-best people.

To refute claims of sexism in the Liberal party, Morrison said Senator Marise Payne would be the “prime minister for women”, which allows him to be prime minister for men.

JOBGONER

The government wants to “claw the nation back from pandemic-induced pain” by cutting JobKeeper.

There will be courses for researching pandemic-induced painkillers and a national claw assembly facility.

The government is planning nationwide pilot schemes. But not until the planes are back in the air.

ACTORS SAY SOMETHING

A flock of local actors, producers and a gopher recently swooped upon Parliament House in Canberra despite the risks.

Actor Simon Baker said, “What we need to do is help develop a richer, stronger, more potent Australian voice.”

A woke spokeswoman or ‘wokeswoman’ immediately clarified.

“By ‘richer, stronger and more potent’, of course we don’t mean richer, stronger or more potent. ‘Richer’ oppresses the even richer, ‘stronger’ is too weak-exclusive, ‘more potent’ is too … potent. And by ‘Australian voice’, of course we don’t mean an Australian voice.”

GUNS AND UM, ER …

The federal government is spending $1 billion upgrading weapons due to tensions caused by nations upgrading weapons.

Australia changed its Facebook relationship status to “It’s over-complicated”.

Meanwhile, the billions we’ve sunk into new French submarines have sunk without trace.

Soon, Australian subs will be able to win battles, so long as they aren’t against the French.

In other news …

  • TALKING CAT REFUSES TO TALK ON COMMAND
  • FACE IT, THE ROMANS HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR US LATELY, NOT EVEN AN AQUEDUCT
  • CONSPIRACY THEORIST WISHES HE HADN’T STOPPED TO THINK ABOUT THE PRACTICALITIES
  • EASTER BUNNY REGRETS ENDORSING PLAYBOY

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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